Dad, I will throw mithril darts to trap rabbits to increase my summoning level so I can summon Kebbits to be able to draw out Abbyssyel Demons to train my slayer and get 1.2 mill GP Abbyssyel whips.

I then went blink…blink, blink. I had him slow down and help me with the spelling as I typed it into a post.

What do I do with this?

Technorati Tags: english please, baby goats, video games

The other thing we noticed was the fascination with American fashions. Kids were scrambling to be seen with Nikes or Levis. The funniest thing is that we saw many T-Shirts with English words on them. These words or phrases never really meant anything, but I think the kids were happy to just show some sign of Americanism.

I don’t remember any of the specific words, but they always had a common theme of sport, fashion, speed and movement. They went something like this:

Club Sport
Super Play
Queen Princess

Well, on Monday, my cousin, his wife and their 13 year old daughter arrived from Italy. They are visiting my parents for three weeks. It turns out that this is a bittersweet visit as it is clear they are here to see my dad as he battles ALS.

When the plane landed, we waited anxiously as they survived customs. When they emerged, I saw my cousin first, then his wife. Taking up the rear, was their daughter. She was wearing one of “those” T-Shirts. As she paraded through the gauntlet of waiting families, we all stood, jaws agape, at what was emblazoned on her chest:

…with a picture of two cherries. Did I mention that she is 13!? I have no idea whether to tell them that there is a double meaning with this because I actually believe they know that there is a different way to take it. I wanted to take her to my son’s basebal

I admit it, I am addicted to The Food Network. I have always enjoyed cooking, LOVED cooking….but then I had children. Now I enjoy microwaving, standing up while eating and having a bowl of cereal for dinner. At some point in my myriad career changes, I strongly considered going back to school in order to study pastry chefery.

Also, TFN is one of the few channels on TV that are completely kid-safe. I am violently opposed to violence on TV and hate that my children are subjected to extreme images…even, especially rather, on children’s channels. Their constant exposure to graphic and violent images, has led us to watching only The Food Network and The Weather Channel.

So, this household spends a lot of time learning to cook, if not actually cooking. Coco even falls asleep to Iron Chef America (the one that is on at midnight..not the one at 7!)

No one can watch a channel so much without developing deeper feelings for some of the personalities…I am just glad it is not with Ryan Seacrest.

Here is my list of Food Network Crushes:

• I have to admit my biggest crush is on the human Q-Tip, Giada DeLaurentis of Everyday Italian. Now, before you go and crucify me by implying that I like her only because of her, ummm, chesticular endowments, please know that you couldn’t be further from the truth. My attraction to her begins and ends with the way she says “mozzarella” with a perfect Italian lilt. Listening to her read a menu is like listening to Cecelia Bartoli belt out a Mozart aria. I am enraptured in both scenarios but with Giada, it includes food, so advantage Giada.
• Next comes Ina Gartner, of the Barefoot Contessa. Not normally my “type” but oh my goodness, her breathy voice, coupled with her no-holds-barred suck-face she does with hubby, and I am fanning myself. You can just tell that she is a tigress.
• Next on the list would be Bobby Flay of Iron Chef America, et al. If I cooked with that spatula, I would be into him. He is the only one who can pull off the Iron Chef arms-crossed stare-down with the authenticity of a professional wrestler. Also, he is married to that hottie from Law and Order, SVU. If I were them, I would just put the bed in the kitchen.
• No list of Food Network Babes would be complete without the closest thing they have to a pornstar, Nigella, of Nigella Bites. I sincerely believe she has at least one orgasm during the taping of her show. Cooking as foreplay…I’m in!
• The hippest of the Geek Chic is Alton Brown of Good Eats. If I were on TFN, I would be Alton Brown. No one can make the science of toasting bread more interesting. With all the cheesy props used on the show, I would be happy to be the guy dressed in a foam carrot costume on the set.

I used to think Rachel Ray belonged on this list. She is clearly adorable and has that squishable laugh. That is what I used to think…then she tried to carry out her plan for world domination and has become so over-exposed, that I think I am starting to see her in my family photos…this chick is everywhere! I’m out on the “Yummo.”

My least favorite TFN stars (with no offense to them…just in case they are out Googling themselves right now)

• Michael Chiarello of Easy Entertaining with Michael Chiarello – Is this guy even Italian? Putting oregano on freedom fries and serving them in an orchid vase, does not constitute crush-worthiness.
• Anthony Bourdain of I’ll Eat Anything I Can Put in My Face (officially of the Travel Channel) – I love this show and I love the way he higlights how purely random our food tastes are. In this country, we can eat fried chicken embryos with reckless abandon, but squirm at the thought of eating cow tongue. But Anthony’s main-lined nicotine-induced anorexia, wears thin. I think he is spending more time looking for heroin in the bazaars than he is looking for eel testicles, but I guess I would be too.
• Paula Deen of I’ll Have a Stick of Butter with That, Please – I am sorry Southern-accented people, but “You All” only has two syllables, not twelve. I must admit to loving the fact that there is a pound of lard in every one of her recipes from lard soup to key lard pie.
• That OCD guy, Marc Summers of Unwrapped. I like watching how they make Bosco but I think the show would do fine without him on that fake diner set with those fake diner people having fake diner conversations in the background. He always looks like he can’t stand any of the food he is talking about. They always put a bowl of something in front of him and he looks at it like it is filled with cow tongues.
• Al Roker – Duh!
• Robin Miller of Quck Fix Meals – I am was ready to move her up the list, but she looks too much like Katie Couric and that scares me. Plus she needs to show me that she can do more with food than throw it into a crock pot. Just because I am too busy to cook, doesn’t mean you should be too. It may be “quick” to throw everything in a pot, but it takes four days to cook this stuff.
• Sandra Lee from Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee – What world does she live in? Do any of you redecorate your kitchen to match your dinner? My kitchen is usually redecorated WITH dinner! Do you put artichokes in a fish bowl and use it as a centerpiece? Can you cook with those outfits she wears? Every single sleeve extends past her hands! How does a human cook like that. I cook in nothing but an apron (scorch your retinas now) and here she is wearing clothes that make her look like a negative image of Morticia from the Addams Family. Perhaps in Stepford Wives-Land, you can do that, but not in the world in which I live. Plus, I am not about to sprinkle Jello powder on Pillsbury Crescent Rolls and call it dessert.

Just my opinion….until I change it.

20.    You proudly post about which demented, pornological, scatological and downright frightening terms people used last month to arrive at your site.
19.    Every few weeks, you have at least one post about why you haven’t posted in the last few weeks….and feel genuine remorse that perhaps you let your readers down.
18.    You blog about blogging
17.    Your meme collection outnumber your everyday posts
16.    You have no one left to tag that hasn’t already been tagged a thousand times before but you tag them anyway.
15.    You do the “Drive-By Hi” on cre8buzz.
14.    Blogging comments begin to replace emails as a way to communicate with anyone that really matters.
13.    You accept “Be my friend” invites on BlogCatalog from people in countries that don’t exist in the CIA Wold Factbook
12.    When you write a post, a particularly good one, you immediately work your way through your blogroll “pinging” all your friends with mediocre comments like “Great Post” or “Nice Blog!” or “Funny!”
11.    You strategically let the good posts linger for a few days, as well as push the mediocre ones “below the fold.”
10.    No one in your 3D world even knows what a blog is, let alone know that you have one.
9.      You don’t buy into it, and even feel a little cheated, when someone comments with “Great Post!” or “Nice Blog! or “Funny!”
8.      You secretly wish that your kids will fall down, throw up, say something stupid, or otherwise do something crazy, just so you can blog about it.
7.      You read blogs in order to get your daily news and you watch the news in order to blog about it.
6.      You know the difference between CSS and RSS.
5.      You purge comment spam faster than you weed your garden.
4.      You hit “Refresh” on your emails within 5 minutes of posting, “just in case.”
3.      You take advantage of your midnight pee break to see if you received any comments because you know your European counterparts are already awake.
2.       You struggle with the camera timer so you can photograph yourself in an insightful, but oh so candid,  pose in order to create THE BEST AVATAR EVER…all 100X100 pixels of it.

…and the number 1 way to tell that blogging has become a huge part of your life…..

1.        You write a “You know you are a blogaholic when…” post.

One scene that I am having trouble with is a flashback scene where my protagonist is on “lover’s lane” making out with his girlfriend. The setting for this scene is a real place that I have been to on more than one occasion in my history. My lover’s lane was a parking lot along the Charles River and I wanted this scene to take place there.

There is a lot I remember about my glory days along the river. One thing in particular that stands out is that for every one car that had a couple making out in it, there were at least 4 cars filled with creepy old men driving around looking for shadows and foggy windows. If they were lucky enough, they could pull up right next to the couple and linger for a few disturbing seconds until the couple looked up and frantically pulled away, usually with pants still wrapped around ankles.

One day last week, I wanted to commit myself to writing this scene as I have had many false starts and really wanted to get it right. I decided that I would visit lover’s lane late one night and write while parked along the river.

Armed with only a Circa notebook and a fountain pen, I drove to the river around 8PM, after the Baby Goats were asleep. The parking lot is rather large and I positioned myself far from the action, but close enough to find the inspiration I needed. There were only two or three cars parked and I honestly have no idea whether anything interesting was happening in them. Frankly, I did not care. I just wanted to find the inspiration to write….not peep. But then again, I have a feeling that all writers are by definition, a tad voyeuristic.

I began putting words on paper and found myself quickly lost in the world I was creating. In fact, I really felt like this was a good, if a tad awkward, decision to write “on location.” The creative juices were flowing as Coltrane blared in my ears.

I filled about four pages with a scene of a couple of teens awkwardly groping at each other. I found myself smiling, laughing and even becoming melancholic for those innocent days of yore…many yores ago.

I was so engrossed in my words, that I did not notice the state trooper pull up behind me. I was so frantically taking advantage of a moment of inspiration, that I did not notice the trooper getting out of his car and approach my window. I was so in love with what I was creating, that I nearly jumped out of my skin when the trooper tapped his flashlight against my windshield.

“Hey, there is no parking here after sunset.” He bellowed

Rolling down my window and beginning to speak before the window was really opened.

“I am sorry sir. I will move right now.”

“Not so easy.” Officer Friendly said. “What are you doing here?”

I had no idea what to say. “Uh….well, believe it or not, I am writing” I said stupidly.

He told me in no uncertain terms to get out of the car. I did so without hesitation as I really had nothing to worry about. I wasn’t drunk, naked and I TRULY was doing exactly what I told him I was doing.

He asked me a series of questions, clearly designed to check if I was intoxicated or fabricating the story. I explained to him exactly what I am telling you; I was trying to find some inspiration to finish writing a scene in my book.

Once he realized I was serious, he asked me if I would be comfortable showing him what I wrote. I said sure and I opened the notebook on the hood of my car as he shined his spotlight on it. He laughed that my writing was utterly illegible. He proceeded to ask me questions about the book and when I told him that it has to do with growing up in Newton, he began telling me that he grew up in the same neighborhood and he knew many of the people I grew up with. He even relayed a story about the local carnival that I may use in the book.

We must have chatted for over 45 minutes. He even went so far as to say that he always thought someone should write a book about the neighborhood and was surprised no one has done that yet.

I now have his email address and his permission to come back to the river as often as I wanted as long as he was on patrol. I told him thanks but no thanks.

Which brings me to the bigger point. On more than a few occasions while writing this novel, I have found myself needing to be physically located in the scene in order to write about it. I remember driving to four different cafes in the area, trying to find the one that felt like the image in my head. I have driven up and down the streets of my old neighborhood and pulled over at random spots and began writing trying to absorb and then write what I see. I went to South Station in Boston and sat on a bench and watched people come and go. Sometimes, I do not even bring a notebook. It is not that I need to be writing at that exact moment, but it is more that I NEED to use all my senses in order to begin writing. Writing is such a sensory experience for me, that if I just sat in a home office waiting for words to be thought of, I would never think them. But, by immersing myself in the experience, I find inspiration.

Question for BoMR (Both of My Readers): Does any of this make sense WITHOUT creeping you out? 

Daddy: How was your day at school, Coco (my 4 year old daughter; aka Coca Cola, CooCoo for Cocoa Puffs, Cocarena Nicoco, Coconut, Satana)?

Coco: Samuel kissed me.

Daddy: What?!

Coco: He kissed me on the lips.

Daddy: What?!

Coco:  He’s my boyfriend.

Daddy: What?!

Coco: We are going to get married.

Daddy: What?!

Coco: He kissed my lunch box and I kissed his.

Daddy: What?!

I am on my way to Samuel’s house so I can punch him in the neck. Film at 11.

Tear Here

With everything today being marketed as Stay-Fresh, Shelf-Stable, Resealable, Individually Wrapped, etc, why are these remnants of 1897, still being packaged that way?

• Do you think it is marketing? Does the homey packaging imply a simpler, more innocent time?
• Do you think it is cost? Do manufacturers save a bajillion dollars per year by wrapping them in wax paper? Then why wrap them at all? They should just throw them in the box.
• Do you think it is to be “green.” But Grahams were around a 100 years before the color green was invented and became the new black.
• Do you think it is a conspiracy to make the lives of a parent more difficult?

Here are the steps involved:

I pop open a box of graham crackers (don’t get me started on that little cardboard tab thingy that was intentionally designed to be weaker than the bond of the glue holding it in place)

1. Tear open the wrapper first with my fingers, then with a knife carefully placed in the fold.
2. Jab myself in the finger with the knife as it slips.
3. Break a few crackers in the process.
4. Be told by my daughter that she doesn’t want a “broked” one….178 times!….ad infinitum…ad nauseum!
5. Pull out the one or two that remain that haven’t been shattered.
6. Run around the pantry to find a creative “parenthack” to keep any more oxygen from hitting the cracker so it doesn’t get EVEN staler because they are already kind of stale to begin with…no matter how fresh they are.
7. Give up and give them an Oreo cookie instead….in the resealable packaging!

Does anyone know a brand that doesn’t come wrapped this way?

Q: What do you get when someone is diagnosed with both ADD and dyslexia?

A: A DAD!

Funny or not…do I own this one? I have this sneaky suspicion that I will be taking this one down before the end of the night.

 Question for BoMR (Both of My Readers): What was the last thing that woke you from a deep sleep?

Fourty days until
Easter? Crap! I’m giving up
religion for lent.

I TOTALLY wish I said that! I am so mad. Wit is something I lack (in other words, I am”wit-out” wit or witless). Then pure genius comes along and says something funny, irreverant, thought-provoking AND then manages to squeeze it into the seventeen-syllabled straight-jacket of a haiku

Meanwhile, I site here pondering another post about the urinals in the men’s room!