Being A Parent Without Being Apparent

Posted by danleone on February 16th, 2008 filed in Baby Goats

OK, let’s talk about kids. This has been a topic I have avoided over the years, both on the blog and in real life. Unfortunately, I finally realized that I can no longer hide from the fact that I am a parent. There, I said it.

With that realization came the responsibility. These little apprentice humans are looking to me for guidance on the rocky road of this thing called life.

When I was growing up, I had two very loving parents. Never at any moment in my life did I feel the need to question their love. They provided for me, bandaged my boo-boos and made me feel safe. As I thought about my own children (I have something like 2 or 3 at last count!), I realized something that makes me a VERY different parent than my own parents were.

Whereas my mom and dad loved me, they never were my friends. My dad and I had a distant relationship, not physically, but emotionally. That only meant that he was not my buddy. He was my father; a role I understood to be different than that of a friend. I never craved his friendship nor sought him out for advice in times of need. Again, he had a duty as a father…to father and not be my friend.

This is due partially as a response to the Old World mentality of both of my parents. Parents are not friends. Parents are providers. Parents are role models. Parents are there. But my parents were never chummy. My dad never wrapped his giant arms around my shoulders and called me pal. As far as I knew, my dad was not even human….he was simply a father.

But when I had children (don’t ask me why…I am still trying to figure that one out), I thought that I would change all that. I thought that I could be a friend to my children. I am always showing them that too am a human being. I have faults and things scare me and that I am not perfect. I want to share those especially with my 10 year old as he is going through some awkward stages right now. I want to relate to him on his level. I want to get down eye to eye and hold him and tell him I understand what he is going through. I want to tell him that I understand if he doesn’t want to go to school because I sometimes don’t feel like going to work. I want to tell him that I know how it feels when a friend betrays him and that he always has me to turn to. I want to drop to my knees and build a Lego catapult with him and get excited if we can launch one of Nicole’s dolls across the room into the bathroom sink, even if it means knocking over the toothbrushes. I want to share in the wonder of discovery with him. I want him to see me as a partner who is willing to guide as well as willing to be guided. Sometimes I think he gets it. Sometimes I think he thinks I am a little weird.

Question for BoMR (Both of My Readers): What are you doing differently to raise your children than how your parents raised you? What are you doing similarly?

7 Responses to “Being A Parent Without Being Apparent”

paisley Says:
February 16th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
i think you are on spot with your parenting dan… i know if i had ever raised a child,, i would hope that i could have done the same thing….
Deb (Missives From Suburbia) Says:
February 17th, 2008 at 8:50 am
I do all my drinking at home.

Okay, okay… seriously? Pretty much what you’re doing. My son has a zany mom, and he’s going to suffer some embarrassment over that, but I am not changing who I am — I’m not becoming my parents — just because I’m a mother. I think the greatest gift I can give my son is to be my true self, my authentic self. To let him see me cry when I’m sad, to see how I handle anger and remorse, and to see and feel my love. None of this “stiff upper lip” crap I saw as a child. He’s going to see me as a human, and in the end, I hope that helps him be more human(e), too.
sophie Says:
February 17th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
I have stepkids as opposed to ones tht I birthed, but I take my job as stepmom very seriously.

Unlike my mother, I will ask for help when I need it–even if it might make me look bad. I will take my antidepressant medications as my doctor has prescribed.

As my mother did–I will be honest, no topics will be completely off limits. I will do my best to instill a sense of personal responsibility for them. I will show them the benefits of hard work by working hard. I will help them find joy in the simple things–even if it makes me look like a dork. I will do all I can to help them understand that our extended family is a huge blessing, even if we don’t always agree.

I will stumble along this path, pick myself up when I fall, and keep trying. Sounds like you are headed in the right direction.
Chuck Says:
February 17th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Very nice post Dan. I happen to think you are on the right track, and the fact that your kid may think you are a little weird is proof that you’re trying.

What am I doing differently?
I am present. Physically and emotionally

What am I doing similarly?
Projecting a strong work ethic
Momo Fali Says:
February 18th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I am a completely different parent than the two I grew up with. Not that I’m at it, but I hope that the close relationship I have with my kids at least opens up the lines of communication between us. When they need me most, when they’re going through tough, peer-pressure filled times, I hope they know I’m there for them and that I love them no matter what. Don’t get me wrong though…if they screw up, there will be hell to pay. They just don’t realize it yet.
bmgmom Says:
February 18th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
A little of what everyone above has said. I am who I am with my kids (like Deb), I’m really big on personal responsibility (like sophie), I’m so totally present for them (like Chuck)(except when I spend waaaay too much freakin’ time on this bloggin’ stuff) and am really, really, really big on a strong work ethic (like Chuck) and open communication (like Momo). I let myself be silly and have fun with them (the concept of dedicated “special time” is so important), enjoying as many moments as we can, but getting work done when that’s necessary. We have this spiel that they have to do their “have to”s before they can do any “want to”s.

And I remind them (in my words and actions (sigh!)) that I’m not perfect.
meleah rebeccah Says:
February 19th, 2008 at 11:38 am
personally, I find it to be a disservice to be a friend to my son. Its too scary for kids to feel like they have that much control /power. I think my son really likes when someone else is the boss.

ps….”because I said so” is a family tradition I am proud to pass on. I had no idea how effective that was until I used it.