The Longest Shower

I went to the gym this morning. The gym I go to is really not my favorite but it is across the street from my job and that is very convenient. But other than that, I really hate this gym.

The main thing I hate is that the showers in the men’s room are “communal.” This means that there are no partitions between showers. Any guy who has survived high school is probably still reeling from the emotional scars.

Now, I am feeling an overwhelming need to state that I am very comfortable in my manhoodliness. The logistical problem is that since the gym is across the street from my job, it is not unusual to bump into people I work there (not literally bump into!). Sometimes, I even have to shower with my coworkers…very awkward. But there are all sorts of unwritten rules on how to handle this including eyeball placement, how long you can be exposed without a towel (<5 seconds), conversation topics (sports and weather…no work)

But this morning was different. It was Saturday, so the chances of bumping into a coworker are slim. But apparently bumping into a FORMER coworker is not so usual.

Normally, I don’t even shower at the gym. I typically go back home or find some other creative solutions. But today I wanted to hit the ground running so I thought I should take care of business at the gym.

I was in the shower happily all alone after a particularly grueling run. Taking my time to make sure all the parts have been sufficiently lathered, I heard a voice that I recognized but couldn’t place. He then walked into the shower while I was lathering, rinsing and repeating. He said a brief “How are you?” with a heavy Boston accent and proceeded to turn on the shower and wait for the temperature to be just right.

Washing away the soap from my eyes I was faced with the ass of a 50 year old man. As he turned, I realized who this man was. I used to work with him over 12 years ago. Well, the mutual recognition was apparently important enough to be unconcerned about the fact that we were butt-assed naked! I said, “Jerry! Long time no see.” I then went about the task of washing the soap from my face.

I felt a twinge of panic as I opened my eyes and saw that he was still looking at me. I smiled nervously…and then he started to walk towards me. The sphere of space that surrounds me and that usually requires an invitation, becomes larger when I am in a public shower.  This guy invaded it without blinking. As he and all his “shortcomings” [linger on that for a while...its worth it] made their way towards me,  his outstretched right hand provided proof in the age-old ritual that he held no weapons……thank the gods! “Dan, howz it goin’ you some-bitch?” I was a tad awkardified and mortified but I am nothing if not cool, so I reciprocated and proved to him that I too had no weapons in my hands at that moment. Then he proceeded to tap me on the shoulder in that way guys do. I basically call this, a “guy hug”.

He continues to relay what has happened to him in the last 12 years. I know now that he went out on medical leave  and subsequently left the company and is now working for another company that he likes, blah blah blah. During this, he never once stepped into the shower! He remained completely dry, fully frontal and as perfectly squared to me as Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man.

My eyeballs have stopped bleeding from both the deluge of shampoo and what awaited me after opening my eyes. I then said to him, “Holy crap, Jerry, at least you could have bought me dinner first!”