A Dan by any other name…

Posted by danleone on November 24th, 2007 filed in funny

True Confession: My real name is not Dan. If you were looking to stalk me, I would be honored, but you would need to know that my given name is a tad more ethnic than Dan. Dan is not short for Daniel. I have my father’s name, Donato. Yes, Donato. For reasons I don’t know, Dan is a typical translation for Donato. Do NOT ask me why my name isn’t Donald. All I know is that it isn’t and if it was, I would have jumped in front of a moving train years ago.

Truthfully, I am proud of that name. My father’s name is Donato and he comes from a village called San Donato in Italy. I am forever grateful that he didn’t come from Dildo, Newfoundland (or you could substitute your own funny place name here).

Very few people know my real name. This works to my advantage when I get a phone call and I hear the telemarketer (my way of saying bill collector) stumble and ask for Dante or Donatello, or my favorite, Leon.

Having trouble saying it? Well then feel free to call me Donut-hole as EVERYONE else did when I was growing up.

The reality was that I invented Donut-Hole when I was in my 30′s. No one ever called me Donut-hole but I play that card when I am feeling like the world needs to feel sorry for me. But the fact that no one did call me it just highlights the lack of creativity of most of my friends. Instead, my nickname fluctuated between the boring Mama (as in Mama Leone’s Restaurant) and Chubber (or in the Boston accent “Chubbah”).

Just a couple of years ago, I bid on an authentic menu from the Mama Leone Restaurant in NYC on Ebay. I went toe-to-toe with a non-Leone and after a grueling week of attack/counterattack, I won the bid. $6.50 later plus shipping, and I am the proud owner of a real, tomato-sauce stained menu named after no one I know. In fact, the name Leone in Italy is akin to Smith in America or Chins in China. To top it off, I have never framed the damn thing because it is some stupid shape that doesn’t exist in the entire Frames-R-Us store without paying a billion dollars for custom framing.

Chubber, or Chubbah, was not because I was fat. I was quite svelte when I was younger. Stop for a second here and picture it. Chubber came from an assignment we had to do for our History class way back in the 4th grade. We were told to draw a picture of the U.S.S Constitution (In Boston, you really needed to know the difference between your Old Ironsides and your Minutemen). My best friend, Whatshisface, drew a picture and his was very precise and perfectly fit in the center of the 8.5″ X 11″ sheet of construction paper. My picture, on the other hand, was enormous and the masts would not fit on the paper so I had to shorten them. They were stubby masts. The fourth graders, did not call me Ole Stubby Masts….they just called me Chubba instead.

From that day forward I convinced myself that I didn’t have a creative bone in my body and here I sit typing non-creatively into my blog 30ish years later.

What nicknames have you had to endure in your life?

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14 Responses to “A Dan by any other name…”

  1. lilacspecs Says:
    November 24th, 2007 at 12:01 pm

    My real, full name is Korie Michelle Klein (and no, don’t call me any of those, I prefer to use my blog handle in the blogworld and never the twain shall meet. Actually, I’d be more likely to respond to a person calling me Lilac or Lilacspecs or any abbreviation of my blog handle as opposed to my real name, if they weren’t my family or boyfriend anyway…but this is a comment, not a post of my own…apologies for the digression).

    I have been asked, “Hey, how’s your uncle Calvin (Klein)?”
    I’m Jewish and I’ve heard, “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if your middle name was, like, Karen?” Get it, then I’d be KKK…dumbasses.
    In highschool I was dubbed Koshmonkey (the Jewish thing again) and in college it was Cancermonkey (I used to smoke over a pack a day), both of these nicknames were shortened to Monkey after a while.

    So I guess what it boils down to is that I look like a monkey (a lemur, to be exact…according to several people who have told me I have “big sad lemur eyes.”
    A Jewish monkey.
    and I quit smoking so I guess I’d be Benign Growth Monkey now.

  2. Lyssa Ireland Thomas Says:
    November 24th, 2007 at 1:34 pm

    I never had a nickname growing up because no one could find something to rhyme with Lyssa except maybe pizza, which sounded dumb. Ireland supposedly came from ancestors coming from Ireland and they took the name with them (but they also imbibed quite a bit, so I never truly believed the story).

    My adult names have been much more interesting:
    Flying Monkey Buttcrack
    Eliza Jane
    Missy Poodle

    Are you in Boston now or just grew up there? I grew up (well 5 years) on Cape Cod. All my family is from MA.

    I’m just imaging a Donato with a Boston accent!

  3. Ivy Says:
    November 24th, 2007 at 3:07 pm

    I was called shaver because of my last name which i wont share.. and i’d say you are pretty creative..

  4. Deb Says:
    November 24th, 2007 at 5:18 pm

    Donato… no wonder you’re so amused when I call you Danny.

  5. terri Says:
    November 24th, 2007 at 7:30 pm

    As a kid, I was called T.J., Teen Jean and Punk by various family members and neighbors.

    As an adult, the nickname that sticks is “Dewey,” which comes from my godson. He couldn’t say Terri and it always came out Dewey. So at family functions, I respond quite readily to “Dewey.”

  6. Avery Says:
    November 25th, 2007 at 1:04 pm

    Oh, golly. You’re going to make me do this, aren’t you?

    Okay, my nickname was Ape. Not because I was a hairy beast. My real name is April. Hence the shortened version. Avery is my pen name.

  7. t'other Dan Says:
    November 25th, 2007 at 5:24 pm

    I am a Daniel, and I was often called “Daniel the Spaniel”. Oh, how amusing.

    I also knew whenever Karate Kid had been on TV because everyone would be calling me Daniel-san the next day. Again, how amusing.

    I work with a lady who’s last name is Donato

  8. Lindy Says:
    November 26th, 2007 at 6:44 am

    Dingy D! because I was sooo dippy and a bit ditzy and my last name starts w/ a d. Why I wasn’t called ditzy d i’ll never know. Lindyloo- for obvious reasons.

  9. Kristina Says:
    November 26th, 2007 at 10:54 am

    Most of the names people call me aren’t fit to print. “Kristina Bidina” was a common name – I don’t even know what that means. My Husband went by “Dickey” until he was in 8th grade. Ouch.

  10. Meg Says:
    November 26th, 2007 at 12:16 pm

    Oh God – the bad memories you brought back! When I was growing up I got Pagan Megan, Maggot, Faggy Maggie and an entire plethora of derogatory names. How sad it was to equated with a small slimy fly-to-be. I think I like the one my girls call me – Marmie – compliments of the Anne of Green Gables books.

  11. melissa Says:
    November 26th, 2007 at 6:36 pm

    ok…this is my first time here so, i’m going to leave an air of mystery about me…
    ok…done with the air of mystery…my sister had a nickname for me and, unfortunately, it stuck…missypissy…and pissy is NOT my name! also, there is the ever so pleasant messy missy…messy is NOT my name. and, actually, missy isn’t my name anymore, either. not since i’ve become a very mature grown up type person!

  12. meleah rebeccah Says:
    November 28th, 2007 at 12:28 pm

    Love the story behind the name

  13. Mary A. Kaufman Says:
    November 28th, 2007 at 3:30 pm

    Dan, any time I need a good laugh, I know where to come. Delightful!

  14. Ev Nucci Says:
    November 29th, 2007 at 10:37 am

    My name is so freaking simple yet everyone get it wrong…

    They call me eve, ava, av.
    They ask me what it’s short for.
    They make it Evelyn
    They call me everything except ev…two letters…short e and a freaking v.

    Now is that so difficult? No. But no one ever wants to just say ev.

    why? I do not know.

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