Minty Fresh

Posted by danleone on November 1st, 2007 filed in funny, imponderable

Crest Pro Health Night Rinse: I stumbled upon a bottle of this stuff on the bathroom sink today:

Message clearly received. This product promises that if you use it before going to bed, your mouth will be cleaner when you wake up in the morning. I know I am the very living definition of a skeptic, but the promise of freedom from the eternal damnation of morning breath made me drunk with oblivion. This product could have been laced with cyanide and Kool-Aid and I STILL would have followed it into the Promised Land. Now I know how religious leaders make their flock of lemmings leap off the cliff!

I am one of those people that needs to read the instructions to all my products and was particularly intrigued by the “Night” part on the label. I believe that one day the directions on the back will say something OTHER than lather-rinse-repeat. What if this time it said: Lather-Rinse-But definitely DON’T repeat because you might die? Then my directions-arrogance would have caused my premature death! I decided early on in my life to avoid death at all costs….EVEN if it means I need to spend the rest of my life reading the backs of my myriad soaps, shampoos, mouthwashes and make-up….ummmm, I mean…that deodorant that makes women orgasm as long as you are a really good-looking guy to begin with [insert silverback chest thump here].

Now comes my (all too frequent) confusion: The directions clearly state to use this product twice a day….perhaps I am not being clear, but this NIGHTTIME product states that it should be used TWICE every day. On my planet, there is only one night time in a 24 hour day, I believe [not being a geophysicist]. So, the question I have is: am I expected to wake up while it is still night at 3AM and rinse again? Or should I just ignore the words “NIGHT” on the bottle and just use it again in the morning? Why call it a nighttime rinse then? If I am allowed to use the nighttime product during the day, shouldn’t I be allowed to use the daytime product at night?

It is 3AM in Boston….time for my second rinse.

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4 Responses to “Minty Fresh”

  1. Lyssa Ireland Thomas Says:
    November 1st, 2007 at 8:42 am

    I don’t even know where to start telling you which parts of this post I liked best, since I laughed through the whole damn thing! If you could do a little research (on the whole everlastingly confusing Day/Night thing) and get back to us, I would be most appreciative. If the news is the the 3am thing – I’d rather you kept the information to yourself. My life is stressful enough.

  2. sophie Says:
    November 1st, 2007 at 11:08 am

    Too funny! I read all labels as well, but it comes from a “must know everything” standpoint rather than “I better not screw this up view.”

    I bet the morning use helps kill some of the evil bugs so the night time does doesn’t have to work so hard?

  3. Deb Says:
    November 1st, 2007 at 7:34 pm

    I read labels in hopes of catching a typo. I thought that made me pretty neurotic until I read this post. Now I know I’m only wallowing in the shallows of neurosis, while you — you, my friend — are plumbing the deepest depths. No wonder we get along so well.

    I would definitely throw that stuff out and buy some Listerine. The label is much less complex (alas, no typos.)

  4. Avery Says:
    November 1st, 2007 at 8:35 pm

    Dan, it’s clearly designed for the use of the traveling professional, not a stationary chap like yourself. Did they not mention that on the back of the bottle?

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