Cafe Leone

My 10 year old is on the phone with his school buddy. I know I am getting old and out of touch with “the kids these days.” I am actually ecstatic about that. But considering the fact that my 5th grader just spent 3 hours doing his math homework while I hovered over him to let him know when to blink, I would have thought they would be comparing notes on the homework, or asking each other for help or setting up time to study together or try to get a jump start on tomorrow’s homework or work on the science project that is due next week. Nope! My 10 year old is pacing the floor right now and this is a literal transcription of what he just said 3 minutes ago (I had him stop and tell me what he said as I wrote this down):

I traded my level 1 Charmander, caught in a Pokeball, for a Garchomp, caught in a Master Ball. It was awesome! Now I have all of the evolutions: Gibble, Gabite and Garchomp. It knew strength, hyperbeam and whilrwind attack.

When did this boy learn a new language? What the hell is a Charmander? But since my head latched on to some of the words so I thought perhaps this was a version of Esperanto that only 10 year olds understand…Pre-teeneranto?

So to help with the translation, I had a little fun and “babel-ized” it. I took the original quote and plugged it into here. From here, the text is translated from English to French then back to English, then to another language and so on for 5 different languages and finally ending up at English again. This can be funny because after each translation it gets imperfecter and imperfecter. The end result was this:

I interested my level 1 Charmander, intercepted in Pokeball, for Garchomp, intercepted in an arsenal of the sphere. It was impressive! Hour I has all the progresses: Gibble, Gabite and Garchomp.It had known the attack of the resistance, of them hyperbeam he and whilrwind.

“Arsenal of the Sphere.” I have no idea what that is, but I want to have one.

funny, parenting | 7 Comments »

Can someone please tell me why English Muffins taste so horrible raw? I mean bread is good, toasted or not.It is simply a matter of choice whether you will put a slice of bread in the toaster. But what ingredient is in an English Muffin that really needs to be cooked?

Also, I don’t know about your toaster / toaster oven, but when I make toast, I can always toast any slice of bread within one cycle. But English Muffins need to be toasted 8 million times in order to actually make it look like the picture on the packaging.

Now that we are on the subject, can someone tell me if there is any English in an English Muffin? In England right now, is anyone sitting there at the breakfast table saying: “Mum, I could really go for some English muffins in all their nooks and crannies goodness right now.” If they leave off the English part, how do they distinguish between that and a traditional “American” muffin? Is that where the word crumpet comes in?

Have I beaten the muffin issue to death?

The only rule for commenting to this post is that I will permanently ban anyone who writes: “You have too much time on your hands, Dan.”

imponderable | 11 Comments »

Crest Pro Health Night Rinse: I stumbled upon a bottle of this stuff on the bathroom sink today:

Message clearly received. This product promises that if you use it before going to bed, your mouth will be cleaner when you wake up in the morning. I know I am the very living definition of a skeptic, but the promise of freedom from the eternal damnation of morning breath made me drunk with oblivion. This product could have been laced with cyanide and Kool-Aid and I STILL would have followed it into the Promised Land. Now I know how religious leaders make their flock of lemmings leap off the cliff!

I am one of those people that needs to read the instructions to all my products and was particularly intrigued by the “Night” part on the label. I believe that one day the directions on the back will say something OTHER than lather-rinse-repeat. What if this time it said: Lather-Rinse-But definitely DON’T repeat because you might die? Then my directions-arrogance would have caused my premature death! I decided early on in my life to avoid death at all costs….EVEN if it means I need to spend the rest of my life reading the backs of my myriad soaps, shampoos, mouthwashes and make-up….ummmm, I mean…that deodorant that makes women orgasm as long as you are a really good-looking guy to begin with [insert silverback chest thump here].

Now comes my (all too frequent) confusion: The directions clearly state to use this product twice a day….perhaps I am not being clear, but this NIGHTTIME product states that it should be used TWICE every day. On my planet, there is only one night time in a 24 hour day, I believe [not being a geophysicist]. So, the question I have is: am I expected to wake up while it is still night at 3AM and rinse again? Or should I just ignore the words “NIGHT” on the bottle and just use it again in the morning? Why call it a nighttime rinse then? If I am allowed to use the nighttime product during the day, shouldn’t I be allowed to use the daytime product at night?

It is 3AM in Boston….time for my second rinse.

funny, imponderable | 4 Comments »