Cafe Leone

Here is a comment I just received (and approved) from someone I don’t know. We have all received comments that run the spectrum of rational thought and utter incoherence (usually my name is attached to those comments). This comment is in regards to my post about not knowing the difference between this and that thing, whatever they were. The post was so innocuous as to not even be funny, but apparently, this person felt the need to: A. insult me, B. show off the breadth of his wisdom and C. completely miss the point of my post.

Of course, there is no reason to defend myself to this person as 13 other commenters, and these are people whose opinion actually matters to me, didn’t have a problem with the post. 1/14 are odds I can live with. I will sleep comfortably tonight.

In the big picture, I love this comment and I wish this person left a link to his website, because I would love for all of you to pay him a visit and say Hi. I would.

So, in my “black and white” way, I wanted to ask you:

A. Do you allow ALL comments to your posts?

B. How does a negative comment make you feel?

Wow thats a very ignorant post. I cant believe you feel comfortable showing people how closed minded and uninformed you are.

I guess you just see names of stuff and dont even look into the substance, thats why you dont know the difference between things. whats the difference between you and a moron?

K-Fed-Justin Timberlake? Hello! K-Fed is a leech who just used britney to get money and try to get famous off her fame. Hes a no talent wannabe rapper!

Justin is a talented singer, dancer and composer who has his own money and doesnt have to use chicks to get ahead. justin timberlake has A JOB! DUH!

Angie Harmon/Mariska Hargitay? Two different people. Mariska is a phenomenal actress. Angie is a great actress too but she has nothing on Mariska. Mariska has a glowing spirit that Angie cant really match. I have nothing against Angie but Im partial to Mariska.

Law & Order SVU/Law & Order CI! The difference..seriously you must have never seen the show or only seen it once. SVU is one of the top rated shows, its been on for like 9 seasons! Criminal Intent, not even close! Mariska won an Emmy! and a Golden Globe! SVU is actually a good show with a steady cast. Criminal Intent sux and they cant make up their mind who they want on it!

Copyright is used to protect your body of work or artistry. Trademark is just for a name or logo.

Prison is where you go once youre convicted..youll be there for a long long time. Jail, you could be in there overnight. When you get arrested they throw you in jail before the trial even starts.

Hilary Duff/Lindsay Lohan??? Lindsay Lohan is a damn crackhead!

cleanser could be anything! it could be a pad to clean your pores or something..soap is SOAP! sudsy soap!

Psychopath is just fuckin crazy! They snap and do some crazy shit..cuz the voices in their head told them to do it! Sociopath is a person who has no real feelings or remorse. they dont even understand the concept. they do what gratifies them with no regard for other peoples feelings or the consequence. Im sure the two can go hand in hand but theres a difference.

Carpet is like PINNED down to the floor. a rug you just lay on the floor and u can pick it right back up

Jelly is disgusting jelly fake shit thats not even made of real fruit. jam spreads on the bread smooth and actually tastes good and has fruit in it.

A butterfly is beautiful, a moth is a damn brown dusty moth

Sympathy is when you feel sorry for someone, Empathy is when you can feel what theyre feeling..relate to their emotion.

I can go on for days but i pointed out the ones that annoyed me the most.

City is a whole city, a town can be within a city.

Bacteria is what CAUSES viruses

Hogs have horns

Hotel is a place where respectable people might stay. A motel is a NOTEL, notel nobody you stay there.
its really sad how black and white your world is

blogging | 17 Comments »

We all know of inventions that are really pointless like the Flo-Bee, the Salad Shooter, Ab Rollers, Paris Hilton, the Spork and the  supposed ergonomic keyboards are just a few of those inventions.

But, there is also a list of things we probably use every day that either are truly useless or don’t even serve their original purpose. The list below is just a short list of things I could think of.

The I-Want-to-Walk Button found at intersections - This is just another one of those devises that are put there in order to give people a sense of control over their lives when in fact the buttons are utterly useless. Have you ever pushed the walk button and had it do anything? (thanks to Terri for this one!)

The hot water in a public restroom - We all know this one. You are washing your hands after finishing your business and you can plainly see that the faucet has the ability to deliver both hot and cold water and all temperatures in between. But have you EVER actually had hot water come out? Part of the problem is that you are usually not in the mood to simply linger there in order to decipher all the different ways that you can turn the dial while pushing down while not picking up more germs than you are washing off. But I am still not convinced that hot water even gets piped into these places.

The Close Door button on an elevator - You might as well paint a circle on the wall and tell people to push it, it would be just as pointless as the Close Door button. Joe, the Elevator Guy, had these installed just to give people something to play with for the next 8 seconds until the door opens again and it is time to have someone else play with the button.

The thermostat found in most public places, especially conference rooms and hotel rooms. Every room in my office building has one of these thermostats and they all do nothing. Oh they have pretty slider switches with blue at one end and red at the other. Sounds promising. But, this is just another ploy to make you think you have some control in your lives , but by the time you adjust the thermostat and wait for the room to warm up or cool down, your meeting is over and it is time to go to another room and play the game again. I am quite certain that those thermostats are connected to nothing.

Exhaust Fans in bathrooms - I am not sure what they are “exhausting” but it appears to do nothing. Perhaps their only purpose is to create a white noise for those suffering from “performance anxiety.”

90% of the buttons of any remote control - I consider myself fairly gadget-savvy and actually enjoy reading the User’s Guides, but I own one television set, and 5 remote controls for it! I have mastered the fine art of turning on the power with one and adjusting the volume with the other and ejecting the DVD with the a third and, all while not looking at the remote. But, as I am looking at the remotes now, I realize I do not use 90% of the buttons. What the hell is “format’ or that one button that has nothing on it except for the letter “R”?

Any other button on the blender that is not On/Off. When you are sending steel blades spinning at supersonic speeds, does it really matter if it is as “Puree” or “Frappe” or “Crush” or “Mix” or “Blend?” What the hell is the difference? Everything is being spun into a pulp!

Coin pockets on jeans - I am assuming that the days of carrying a watch on a fob and tucking it into a small pocket are over. If I am wrong, then perhaps that little pocket can be useful. First of all, I don’t own change. Second, when I do have change, it doesn’t fit into that little pocket.

Child Safety Caps on bottles - Face it, we live in a world where children emerge from the birth canal already thumb-enabled. Evolution has stepped in and accommodated the power thumbs necessary for future survival on this planet. Our children are the first generation to notice a shift from our hunter-gatherer hands used to pick berries from vines to a more thumb-centric approach needed to handle the game counsels of the future. My prediction is that automobiles of the future will be driven by our thumbs. My 4 year old can open a vitamin bottle more quickly than I can.

The micro-mini tabs at the top of cereal boxes supposedly to allow for reclosing, clearly designed for no purpose since it is instantly torn off as soon as you try to get through the tamper-proof gorilla glue they stick boxes together with.

Picture holders that come with wallets and purses - I have never seen one that can accommodate ANY picture I own. I buy a wallet and throw out the picture holder and then get yelled at when I don’t have a picture of my Baby Goats handy (depite the fact that I have 6 billion pictures on Flickr).

The Insert, Scroll Lock, Home and End buttons on a PC - Again, they do nothing.

The Reverse Switch on ceiling fans - I know all about hot air rising, blah blah blah, but when you live in a shoebox, like I do, the only thing a ceiling fan does is BLOW AIR! It does not make a difference which direction it is blowing. The instructions so smugly tell us that there is a summer setting and a winter setting. when I have 20 foot ceilings and I am paying for all my heat to rest 20 feet over my head, then I will consider it. Otherwise, the fan simply moves air.

Any preset button on a microwave - You know the ones “Popcorn”, “Potato”, “Frozen Pizza.” The settings are all completely arbitrary and have no basis in reality. When I put something into the microwave, ANYTHING, I push the Popcorn button and walk away. If it needs to stay in longer, I push it again. If it needed less time, then I am quickly reminded why I hate microwave ovens.

Anything added to dishwashing liquid that is not soap - this includes microbeads and moisturizers.

And the last one is just a personal rant - THE STRAW. In the big cosmic picture, what does a straw do? Are we really so lazy that we can’t bring the cup to our face? I guess if you have a lot of ice cubes, then the straw prevents you from smashing your teeth with them, but that seems rather dubious.

Question for Both of My Readers (BoMR): What everyday device is useless to you?

funny | 10 Comments »

True Confession: My real name is not Dan. If you were looking to stalk me, I would be honored, but you would need to know that my given name is a tad more ethnic than Dan. Dan is not short for Daniel. I have my father’s name, Donato. Yes, Donato. For reasons I don’t know, Dan is a typical translation for Donato. Do NOT ask me why my name isn’t Donald. All I know is that it isn’t and if it was, I would have jumped in front of a moving train years ago.

Truthfully, I am proud of that name. My father’s name is Donato and he comes from a village called San Donato in Italy. I am forever grateful that he didn’t come from Dildo, Newfoundland (or you could substitute your own funny place name here).

Very few people know my real name. This works to my advantage when I get a phone call and I hear the telemarketer (my way of saying bill collector) stumble and ask for Dante or Donatello, or my favorite, Leon.

Having trouble saying it? Well then feel free to call me Donut-hole as EVERYONE else did when I was growing up.

The reality was that I invented Donut-Hole when I was in my 30’s. No one ever called me Donut-hole but I play that card when I am feeling like the world needs to feel sorry for me. But the fact that no one did call me it just highlights the lack of creativity of most of my friends. Instead, my nickname fluctuated between the boring Mama (as in Mama Leone’s Restaurant) and Chubber (or in the Boston accent “Chubbah”).

Just a couple of years ago, I bid on an authentic menu from the Mama Leone Restaurant in NYC on Ebay. I went toe-to-toe with a non-Leone and after a grueling week of attack/counterattack, I won the bid. $6.50 later plus shipping, and I am the proud owner of a real, tomato-sauce stained menu named after no one I know. In fact, the name Leone in Italy is akin to Smith in America or Chins in China. To top it off, I have never framed the damn thing because it is some stupid shape that doesn’t exist in the entire Frames-R-Us store without paying a billion dollars for custom framing.

Chubber, or Chubbah, was not because I was fat. I was quite svelte when I was younger. Stop for a second here and picture it. Chubber came from an assignment we had to do for our History class way back in the 4th grade. We were told to draw a picture of the U.S.S Constitution (In Boston, you really needed to know the difference between your Old Ironsides and your Minutemen). My best friend, Whatshisface, drew a picture and his was very precise and perfectly fit in the center of the 8.5″ X 11″ sheet of construction paper. My picture, on the other hand, was enormous and the masts would not fit on the paper so I had to shorten them. They were stubby masts. The fourth graders, did not call me Ole Stubby Masts….they just called me Chubba instead.

From that day forward I convinced myself that I didn’t have a creative bone in my body and here I sit typing non-creatively into my blog 30ish years later.

What nicknames have you had to endure in your life?

funny | 14 Comments »

Me, my mom and my dad at my in-laws’ dinner table having coffee and Greek pastries. My in-laws are Greek and they make the best pastries.

I am a tad scruffy because I am taking a med that is really wreaking havoc with my skin. Trust me, I used to look like Brad Pitt. But now I look more like a rabid and foamy pit bull….with bad skin.

One of my favorite things to do when I am looking at pictures is to remove the subjects from the foreground and to focus on everything else. Check out the background at my Mother-In-Law’s house. Clearly, you can see that they have a shrine to my children; their only grandchildren. You can also see that awesome 1980’s photo of my sister-in-law behind my mom’s head! I am ecstatic that my mom doesn’t have my high school photo on her wall!

I have never really paid attention to that painting in the background before despite having seen it a million times. This bit of Americana is an atypical site in this sternly Greek household.

My mom and dad came over my in-laws’ house for coffee on Thanksgiving. Otherwise, they spent their holiday alone, by their choice. We are entering a period of quiet reflection at the Leone Estates; a sort of introspection as the reality of my father’s illness sets in.

What I am afraid of though is that we will try “force” the moments. This picture of me and my dad, is one of the only ones we have ever taken together. This is not because we are not close or have a strained relationship. It is more because we have never been an overly affection family.

my father | 6 Comments »

To all of you for making this a really fun and enlightening ride.

When I tell the people in my “real” life that I have a blog, I typically get dismissed and an occasional “You must have too much time on your hands.”

When I hear this, I usually dismiss them back (re-dismiss). But deep down inside me, I am thinking “There isn’t enough time in a day to share stories with all of you!” I crave reading your words and I love sharing my nonsense with both of you.

Just a couple of years ago, I asked my then 4 year old son what he wanted to be when he grew up. He looked up at me and without missing a beat said: “a caterpillar.” How precious was that?! I immediately posted his comment on the blog. Well, as I am approaching a dry spell in my posts (aka drier spell), I went up to Marc for more words of wisdom. I asked him to say something funny….JUST so I could record it in my blog! As you can see, I must be in a LOT of trouble if I am shaping my world to fit my blog!

By the way, his reply to me was “water bottle.” I won’t be posting about that.

 Once again, thanks for being both of you!

blogging | 8 Comments »

Sometimes I feel like a man: I know every line to the movie Airplane!
Sometimes I don’t: I know every line to the movie Princess Bride

Sometimes I feel like a man: I love Aerosmith
Sometimes I don’t: I think Steve Tyler is kind of sexy in the ugly-sexy kind of way

Sometimes I feel like a man: I think Nicole Kidman is sexy
Sometimes I don’t: I think Jodi Foster is sexy

Sometimes I feel like a man: I love football
Sometimes I don’t: hockey bores me (as well as basketball and even sometimes baeball)

Sometimes I feel like a man: I don’t know how to use the washing machine
Sometimes I don’t: I enjoy washing dishes

Sometimes I feel like a man: I pee standing up
Sometimes I don’t: I always wipe the toilet rim and put down the seat cover

Sometimes I feel like a man: I sometimes work late so that I can do a good job and provide for my family
Sometimes I don’t: I sometimes work late so I don’t have to come home to mayhem

Sometimes I feel like a man: I like to fix things around the house
Sometimes I don’t: The lightbulb in the hallway has been out for two years

Sometimes I feel like a man: I try to share in the household chores
Sometimes I don’t: When I am eating at my mother’s, I don’t even lift my ass off the chair to help

Sometimes I feel like a man: I LOVE to cook
Sometimes I don’t: I love to bake cakes even more

Sometimes I feel like a man: I love coffee
Sometimes I don’t: I love loose-leaf earl grey tea from Taylors of Harrogate brewed in a teapot even better

Sometimes I feel like a man: I have more hair on my body than evolution demands
Sometimes I don’t: I think SOME man-scaping is appropriate

Sometimes I feel like a man: I really enjoy alcohol
Sometimes I don’t: I really don’t like the taste of beer

Sometimes I feel like a man: I like to eat
Sometimes I don’t: I am about 90% vegan (you can thank buffalo wings for not making it 100%!)

Sometimes I feel like a man: I like movies
Sometimes I don’t: I almost always prefer a “chick-flick” over an action movie

Sometimes I feel like a man: I drool over tools and gadgets
Sometimes I don’t: I drool over the tools and gadgets in the Williams-Sonoma catalog (I even was an assistant manager of a W-S store once!)

Sometimes I feel like a man: I have run 5 marathons
Sometimes I don’t: I MIGHT be able to run to miles now…IF I try hard. (in fairness to both sides of me, I have been sidelined by a VERY painful condition that I didn’t much mention on my blog for the last few months)

Sometimes I feel like a man: I am a dad
Sometimes I don’t: I want to run away, change my identity and join a circus

Sometimes I feel like a man: I used to be an Emergency Medical Technician and even saved a few lives
Sometimes I don’t: I used to manage a Williams-Sonoma store and even helped a few bride-to-be’s with their bridal registries

Sometimes I feel like a man: I love surfing the internet
Sometimes I don’t: I was reading some of my favorite “mommy” blogs at 2AM this morning (please note that “mommy” blogs is not a derogatory statement).

Sometimes I feel like a man: I know the first 10 digits to the number pi (you can thank the “pi” button on my TI-30 calculator back in the 8th grade for that)
Sometimes I don’t: I know that 3 tsps = 1 T

Sometimes I feel like a man: I love to hike
Sometimes I don’t: The last time I hiked was when my wife said “Take a hike!” the other day. Before that was 20 years ago

Sometimes I feel like a man: Eric Clapton is god
Sometimes I don’t: I cry when I hear Pavarotti sing

Sometimes I feel like a man: I drink my coffee black
Sometimes I don’t: I put unsweetened soy milk in my tea

Sometimes I feel like a man: I love the aforementioned buffalo wings
Sometimes I don’t: I love a bar of dark chocolate even more

Sometimes I feel like a man: I have eaten and enjoyed raw oysters
Sometimes I don’t: I also enjoy sprouted grain organic pasta from Trader Joe’s

Sometimes I feel like a man: I support our troops
Sometimes I don’t: No one has yet to explain to me why they are in Iraq (and if I hear “fighting for your freedom” one more time, I will launch myself out the window!)

Sometimes I feel like a man: I am a liberal, skeptic and an atheist who embraces the left side of my brain
Sometimes I don’t: i don’t have the “cubes” to write about it

Sometimes I feel like a man: I love Ernest Hemingway
Sometimes I don’t: I don’t usually enjoy Jeffrey Archer, Scott Turow, Stephen Coonts and others of that ilk.

Sometimes I feel like a man: I can solve the Rubik’s cube
Sometimes I don’t: I am addicted to the NYT’s crossword puzzle

Clearly, this list is not really meant to highlight a strictly male/female dichotomy. Drinking tea doesn’t make me a “girl” no more than being a dad makes me a man…..oh wait, yes it does.

funny | 11 Comments »

These are things that always make me stop for a second and consider the alternate because either they are very similar in appearance or that I am just too dumb to remember. Typically, if I give myself that extra second, I can usually remember, but they always make me pause. Some items on the list simply require more knowledge that either I have never made the effort to look up or I always forget no matter how many times I look up. The common thread here is that I believe I am SUPPOSED to know the differences without thinking about them.

1. KFed and Justin Timberlake

2. Carrie Underwood and Kellie Pickler

3. N’Synch and Backstreet Boys

4. Salma Hayek and Catherine Zeta Jones

5. Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan

6. Affect and Effect

7. Coke and Pepsi

8. Lamb and Sheep

9. Fatigue and Laziness

10. Prison and Jail

11. Sherriff and Police Officer

12. Wallaby and Kangaroo

13. Crocodile and Alligator

14. Dolphin and Porpoise

15. Meter and Rhythm

16. Scale and Key

17. Violin and Viola

18. Khaki and Tan

19. Starsky and Hutch

20. Plates and Dishes

21. Cleanser and Soap

22. Slider and Curve Ball

23. Bo Bice and Constantino Maroules

24. Natalie Portman and Kirsten Dunst

25. Sweet Potato and Yam

26. Frog and Toad

27. Dietician and Nutritionist

28. Communism and Socialism

29. City and Town

30. Rabbit and Hare

31. Cement and Concrete

32. Turtle and Tortoise

33. Bacteria and Virus

34. Psychopath and Sociopath

35. Vitamin and Mineral

36. Herb and Spice

37. Curtains and Drapes

38. Crow and Raven

39. Copyright and Trademark

40. George Bush and Satan

41. Street and Road

42. City and Town

43. Bank and Credit Union

44. Bacteria and Virus

45. Angie Harmon and Mariska Hargitay

46. Lawyer and Attorney

47. Lay and Lie

48. Latino and Hispanic

49. ADD and ADHD

50. Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen

51. University and College

52. Nerd and Geek

53. Donkey and Mule

54. Goose and Swan

55. Disc and Disk

56. Pilgrims and Puritans

57. Debt and Deficit

58. CT Scan and MRI

59. Pyschologist and Psychiatrist

60. Accent and Dialect

61. Gerund and Particlple

62. Ashley Olsen and Mary Kate Olsen

63. Gluten-free and Wheat-free

64. Lee Marvin and James Coburn

65. Tobey MacGuire and Jake Gyllenhall

66. Nick Nolte and Gary Busey

67. Butterfly and Moth

68. Law and Order: SVU and Law and Order: Criminal Intent

69. Empathy and Sympathy

70. Engine and Motor

71. Hog and Pig

72. Pancake and Flapjack

73. Carpet and Rug

74. Pupil and Student

75. Sex and Gender

76. Equinox and Solstice

77. Shoreline and Coastline

78. Verse and Stanza

79. Staircase and Stairway

80. Basement and Cellar

81. Scuba Diving and Skin Diving

82. Billiards and Pool

83. Insure and Ensure

84. Homicide and Murder

85. Passport and Visa

86. Foreword and Preface

87. Table Tennis and Ping Pong

88. Jelly and Jam

89. Shirt and Blouse

90. Possum and Opossum

91. Highway and Freeway

92. RAM and ROM

93. Burglary and Robbery

94. Stocks and Bonds

95. Luggage and Baggage

96. Liqueur and Cordial

97. Frankfurter and Hot Dog

98. Broth and Stock

99. Motor Home and Trailer

100. Hotel and Motel

 Question for BoMR (Both of My Readers): What stumbles you? 

funny, imponderable | 14 Comments »

[Unfortunately, this is the best of about 9 million pictures that were taken. But after a bottle of wine, I didn't give a rat's rump that they were all blurred]

I will wait here now while you go visit Average Joe Wino. Ryan and Vee write an excellent blog devoted to all things fermented and grapey.

After a few minutes of poking around his blog, you will be as excited as I was. I even went to the local “purveyor of fine liquors and spirits” to buy a few bottles of vino, relax with a funny movie (Hot Fuzz) and pretend I don’t have any Baby Goats for two hours.

Now that I have sampled a bit from three different wines, I can tell you I might soon be arrested for B.W.I (Blogging While Intoxicated).

For those that need to know, this glass of wine is from a bottle of Clos de los Siete 2005 from Mendoza, Argentina. It is a blend of Malbec, Merlot, Cabernet Sauvignon and Syrah. I am not really good at picking out hints of gooseberries and rotten plums, but I can say this is a full-bodied wine with some spiciness to it.

At Ryan’s recommendation, I downloaded all the podcasts available from winefornewbies.net and I have already listened to a couple of them…putting me into even more of a mood for wine!

Raise a glass!

uncategorized | 7 Comments »

…or the most narcoleptic!

For the first time ever in the history of the Leone Clan, we were at the table AT THE SAME TIME…ALL 5 OF US! The gods were clearly smiling on us.

We were all beautifully engaged in conversation (which ranged from my questioning if Coco had opposable thumbs because she is completely incapable of holding a “big girl” cup without spilling it and my 10 year old’s explanations of how EVERYTHING is EVERY ONE else’s fault!).

Amidst the verbal flinging of frying pans, we all stopped in mid-step. Nicole lifting her glass without thumbs, Michael threatening to continue debating why he needs to wear a jacket when it is ONLY 31 degrees outside, Libby, also known as YoYo Mama because she is at the fridge for the billionth time this dinner and me, the picture of angelic calm and the patience of Job. We all looked up and saw Marc…SOUND ASLEEP!

Yup…dinner was pizza and a browning apple. Shoot me.

uncategorized | 5 Comments »

How proud am I that I was literally awoken by the creative juices flowing in my bladder at 3AM! I must have peed it all out because here I am sitting on couch, laptop appropriately on lap, waiting for words to happen. I got nothing.

What is interesting about writing is that you cannot see the time span from the last sentence to this one I am typing now. It has been exactly 14 minutes since I told you I was happy that the creative juices were flowing. 14 damn minutes of sitting here with fingers poised eagerly awaiting the words to spill forth out of my fingertips and onto the screen. I still got nothing.

Now what? Does this exercise of just writing anything down and letting the muse take over and watch as she (the muse’s name is Sally) coaxes letters into words, words into coherent sentences, sentences into paragraphs and paragraphs into a post worth reading? Guess what? I got nothing.

I could just go into my very extensive archive and grab one of the two posts that I am actually proud of and just repost them. But then I would no longer be writing. I would be cutting and pasting. So, I sit here and I still got nothing.

But,  4 paragraphs later, I still haven’t come up with a cogent thought. Sometimes I think that this is what separates the real writers like both of you from the poseurs.  The act of typing is no closer to writing than the act of vomiting is. Whether the vomitus spews forth from my mouth or from the tips of my fingers is no different. All this talk of projectile vomiting and I still got nothing.

I could just ask both of you a question instead and revel in your words of wisdom. To non-writers like me, hearing how you shape your words into juicy, bite-sized morsels of art, makes my mouth water. It also makes what is left of my self-esteem fade to black.  Don’t worry about me, there has to be some vanity that comes with blogging. If you really think about it. I mean a blog is an online journal. If it ended there, then that would be fine. We would all have our computers to type our “Dear Diary’s” into. But that is not where it ends. With blogging, we take those words, those words that in the old days we used to protect with one of those little, itsy-bitsy keys, and proudly display them for hundreds of people a day. “Dear Diary: Today I farted.” Press PUBLISH. “Dear Diary: I wonder if Dorothy really likes me.” SUBMIT. “Dear Diary: Am I REALLY the only guy with a diary?” POST.  Now what? I got lots of sentences, but I still got nothing to chew on. Sentence vs Substance.

So, to make a very short story long: I have written about writing; actually, I have not-written about not-writing…again. I can only come up with one conclusion….I got nothing. As my dearest newest blog-charmer, Lyssa, says: “I’m officially out of material. The well has run dry.” Whereas she has what real writers call “Writer’s Block,” I have what Non-Writers call “A Dose of Reality.”

Go visit some real writing here, here, here and here.

blogging | 6 Comments »

Now you know where I get my disarming good looks!

my father | 1 Comment »

To take that EFFING water kettle that is howling right now and throw it out the window!

(there, I did it)

I was making the rounds through Google Reader because I can’ t miss a word of what you are all writing. I put water on to boil and quickly got lost in your posts. The damn thing woke up everyone in the house! It has the most annoying sound, more like the feeble and pathetic wail of a dying antelope as it is being eaten by a lion.

Luckily my tea wasn’t ready because it would have been squirting out of my nose as I was laughing so hard at The Real Dan’s post about American football and Lyssa’s take on Sea Monkeys and Deb’s offering of her dog to the highest bidder (this got me thinking about doing the same with Satana, my youngest baby goat. By the way, Deb, your basement looks like my house does right now…and I don’t have dogs!).

Jodi, the one blogger that always makes me work for my reward of reading her posts, because with her I need to chew on the words and let them crawl into my skin. A perfect example.

Then there is Terri, who is quite contrary to absolutely no one. Skip her posts for a day and I miss out on the ruminations of a charming woman as she pieces together her journey through life. How lucky are we that she shares her words with us!

There are about 30 others that I can’t live without. Here is a small sampling of their latest posts:

Chuck at D is for Dads

Why Paisley? (BRACE YOURSELF!)

Avery Gray

American Mum

Loz from Midlife - A Journey

Then I quickly move on to some Liberal and Skeptic rants. I wish I had their knowledge and their courage to write so prolifically about topics that mean something to me.

When you are done here, look over to the right and continue with the rest of my blogroll. All these people are in my daily Google Reader. Reading your words are one of the only rituals I have in my life. Thank you

By the way, I really did throw out the kettle!

blogging, blogs way better than mine, funny | 7 Comments »

This is the position my daughter assumes just before falling asleep. Yes, that is a couch and yes, that is where she falls asleep and yes, we carry her to her bed and yes, she ends up in our bed.

She is sucking her thumb and twirling her hair. On more than one occasion we have had to cut her hair to dislodge her finger.

uncategorized | 10 Comments »

You have now come to realize that Dan Leone is so deeply faceted that if you miss a few posts, you are guaranteed to throw out a piece of the puzzle. You may have noticed the non-writer writing. Perhaps you have noticed that I have no problems using my Baby Goats to stoke my joke repertoire in order to get both of my reader’s attentions (if not affections). You may have seen, buried deep in nothing I have yet written, the rational skeptic atheist who cringes at the mere mention of gods and other fantasies and superstitions. Perhaps if you were paying close attention to some of the posts I have still haven’t worked up the courage to write, a bleeding heart liberal who has transformed my feelings for George Bush from mere annoyance at Americans to downright hatred at what he has done and not done to this country.And, of course, you have seen the Dan Leone mired in self-pity recently with the stunning news of my father’s illness and how he has been assigned an expiration date of 2 years. The reason for this is easy to explain. I have grown to love both of you and I sincerely respect and seek out your opinions on everything. Whether it is how to deal with death or what book you are reading or what music you listen to when not-writing at 3AM. Your opinions are as important to me, perhaps more so than the “real” people in my life. I love that you share with me your experiences. I crave to know your day-to-day and how you manage it all. I especially love the fact that your opinions are so very different than mine.

The blogging world is filled with people that visit other’s blogs only to want it reciprocated. The “circle of life” of blogging involves many “drive-bys” and “tag-your-its” designed to get people to their site. This is mostly fine with me as it is part of the social networking schema that we all need to follow, otherwise we might as well write words on a piece of paper and throw them off a cliff. We crave this society of moms, dads, Christians, Atheists, Liberals, Conservatives, friends.

As I am sure both of you will agree, if somehow the words became only a one way street for me and I could only read them and never write them again, then I would still be visiting your blogs. It is what I need to get through my day. It is how I manage it all.

For now, the pity party is over. Of course, you will see me give you periodic updates on my father’s health and how we are coping. But, no more “What the fuck do I do now’s” or “Why me’s?” …for the time being! [wink, wink]

So, to both of you, I send a heartfelt thank you. Thank you for being there and thank you for caring and thank you for giving me something to aspire to.

blogging | 10 Comments »

I drove my mom and dad to the hospital today. Ostensibly, for a “second opinion” on his ALS diagnosis. Realistically, it was a confirmation of what we already knew: He has short time left. His expiration date is set for 2 years.  Make the best of it. The business of dying begins today. Get your affairs in order. Death won’t hurt. Dying will.

I live in a two family house and my parents live upstairs. I see them every day and so do my three Baby Goats.

For the entire drive up, about one hour, we didn’t say a word to each other.  Small talk was wrong. Big talk was wronger.

With the finality of the news seeping into our brains, we said nothing again.

Then, half way home, my dad, looking straight ahead, said “take care of your mother.”

I can’t do this.

my father | 17 Comments »

I was sitting here with my 10 year old son as he worked on his homework. Don’t let me fool you, what this usually means is that I hover over him and tell him when to blink, because it seems this kid is sometimes incapable of accomplishing two consecutive steps without being cattle prodded.

It usually goes something like this:

• Dad: “Will you stop picking your nose and just write your name on the effing piece of paper?!”
• Michael: “YOU HATE ME!”

He storms out in tears. Welcome to my every day.

This homework is actually make-up homework from the night before. He had a list of words related to early explorers. Each word was on a separate sheet of paper with the following questions to fill out:

• Word:
• Definition:
• Where did you learn this definition:
• Synonym:
• Antonym:

Because the pages were sort of generic, we didn’t worry when it asked for antonyms for some of the words. “Just tell the teacher that there isn’t one.” I told Michael.

It turned out that he was marked incorrect by his teacher and he needs to complete it tonight. I just threw my hands in the air and said something like: “How am I ever going to do your homework for you, when the teacher (all of 21 years old) is asking you for the impossible.” Now my son hates me because his VERY short-lived dream that his father is a genius is shattered in a second and none of the pleading I do is changing his opinion…actually making it worse as I tell him “I am not an idiot son. There really is no way to do this homework. Trust me!”

“Sure Dad, whatever you say.” As he hangs his head in shame.

So, with my tail between my legs, I turn to you, BoMR, to guide me. You have helped me get through some pretty tough times and turn to you once again.

Question for BoMR (Both of My Readers):

Can you tell me a synonym and antonym for these words?

Compass

Age of Exploration

Explorer

Astrolabe

Here is what I have come up with:

Compass:

• synonym = That directional device that really doesn’t do anything especially when they put one in your car (”Everyone in the car, we are driving NNE today!).
• antonym = The biological gene that allows me to get lost…and NOT ask for directions (Yes, I went there, ladies and gentlemen. I am edgy like that! Pushing-the-envelope Leone, at your service. Stay tuned for my White Guys Can’t Dance routine!)

Age of Exploration:

• synonym = Age of Self-Stimulation
• antonym = Age of Having Your Mother Walk In While Self-Stimulating And The Subsequent Years Of Therapy

Explorer:

• synonym = “2nd Base” when the world is your oyster
• antonym = Marriage when you can’t even get up to bat

Astrolabe:

• synonym = Whattheeffisanastrolabe
• antonym = shoelace

I am turning to both of you now. You are my only hope.

Baby Goats, funny, parenting | 14 Comments »

….They think about writing.

For Both of My Readers (BoMR): As you know, I am 43 years old and to this day I still haven’t figured out the difference between “affect” and “effect” despite your best efforts to teach me via your comments.

I hate thinking about these two words so much that I spend a lot of energy avoiding them. For example:

• “My son’s lack of respect impacted me greatly and he felt the results of my wrath!”
• “That movie had excellent Special Portions that are not actually filmed but are usually added later, either as minatures with stop action or computer graphics added in blue screening.

So, imagine my joy, while looking up another confusing topic: Why spell-check doesn’t like the word “dreamt” as the past tense for dream. (as in: “I had a dreamt last night”). I came across this awesome web “sight” that has concisely guided me “threw” some of the more treacherous “wheys” of the English language.

For any of you that have ever stumbled over the pitfalls of English, you “knead” “knot” take it “lieing” down “any more.”

Go “hear” now!

writing | 6 Comments »

If one more person (usually my single friends that I hang out with to pretend I am not married with children) tells me that through some magical combination of physics and pixie dust that I got an extra hour of sleep today, I will stick a rusty spoon in their eye!

funny | 11 Comments »

First order of business, do not under any circumstance assume that the 5 of us were sitting at the dining room table chit-chatting about the day and wiping our faces with linen napkins and saying such nonsense as “could you please pass me more green beans daddy. I can’t get enough of them!” and “May I be excused? I have homework to complete.”

Nope. But let me paint the background here for you:

Marc and Nicole are at the kitchen table while Michael is eating pasta with butter at the computer in his room…with his fingers.

Marc and Nicole, realizing that Restaurant Leone is open for business, has the adults running around fetching food. One wants water in a glass cup (”a big boy glass”) while the other wants milk in a sippy cup….”NO, not that sippy cup! The other one!” One wants quesadillas while the other is speaking in tongues and we haven’t deciphered which item off the extensive Restaurant Leone menu she really wants:

Restaurant Leone Menu

Appetizers

Halloween Candy

Breakfast

Cinnamon bread with butter but NOT toasted

Raisin Bran

Halloween Candy

Hot oatmeal with cinnamon or honey “BUT NOT BOTH DADDY!”

Lunch

Peanut Butter and Jelly

Nothing

Halloween Candy

Dinner

Quesadillas

“Ants on a log”

Halloween Candy

Plain spaghetti

Plain macaroni

Plain egg noodles

3 minute mac and cheese

A single green bean “in between bites”

Desert

You guessed it, Halloween Candy

But I am pretty sure that is not why I started this post. It was because I heard this conversation today between my 6 year old and 4 year old ( understand that my 4 year old daughter is just now beginning to understand the power of words ):

Nicole: Daddy, I HATE Mexico.

Daddy (taking head out of fridge): What did you say CoCo?[ it was more like: Crap, can you just stop saying my name for 10 seconds?!]

Nicole: I HATE Mexico. It is stupid.

Daddy: Why would say that love muffin? [it was more like: Holy shit, you better not say that out in public or I will tell everyone that you were raised by wolves!]

Nicole: I HATE Mexico. Because they have that stupid dance with the hats. That’s stupid. That’s doodie. That’s stinky. That’s poopie. That’s yucky. That’s just stupid.

Daddy: Well, Sweet Pea, I think Mexico is a beautiful place. Maybe one day, we can go there for a family vacation. [it was more like: Get away from the table, Devil Child. Were you raised in a trough?! It is because of you kids that we will never be able to go on vacation ever again!]

Marc (the diplomat): Nicole, Nicole, don’t worry about it. Mexico is in Africa and we will NEVER go to Africa!

What the hell just happened?

***WIFE DEMANDED A DISCLAIMER*** Our Baby Goats are not nationalistic racists. Nicole was commenting on a segment on Barney which has started hating about Mexico. Marc’s comment about Africa was a comment that we never take a vacation. The goats are in fact creative, wonderful, respectful and loving children. Furthermore, we love our children…despite the crap that Dan says about them.

Baby Goats, funny | 8 Comments »

As both of you know, blog memes, or blemes, are a cute way to add content to your blog, narcissitically give details about yourself that is sometimes interesting and reciprocate by passing on the meme to others. The person that initiated the meme will typically put their link on it so as the meme propagates, they become the center of the universe. Additionally, there is a lot of linky-love happening as a blogger “tags” their blog buddies. And so on…and so on….It is the blog-o-verse equivalent to the Amway…without the promise of yachts.

There are memes to cover every conceivable topic. Here is a brief list of some that I have seen (ie Googled) recently:

• 10 Things About Me
• 5 Things About Me
• 8 Questions
• 4 Questions
• 5 Favorite Gadgets
• Show Us Your Desktop
• Handwriting Meme
• Middle Name Meme
• Thursday Thirteen
• Interview Me
• What is My Most Common Writing Mistake
• The Christmas Meme
• If I Could Be…
• Super Simple Spiritual Sunday
• The Name Meme
• 5 Strengths / 4 People Meme
• Book Meme
• Inside the Actor’s Studio Meme
• Why Do You Blog?
• The Ultimate Power Meme
• The Birthday Meme
• 101 Things About Me
• The Soundtrack of Your Life
• The Top 5 Reasons The Best Bloggers Come From The Planet Earth
• Link Love Meme
• [your name] Needs
• Johari Window Meme
• Booky Meme
• Blogging Tips Meme
• The Cook Next Door Meme
• Wikipedia Blog Meme Game
• 5 Rules For Really Great Blogging

…and the list goes on.

Despite my apparent distaste for meme-ing, the truth is I don’t mind them. I actually enjoy reading about both of you and I am flattered that you are interested in me. The only problem is the “tag, your it” part. I HATE THAT PART!

So for now until the remainder of 2007, I am declaring a Meme-atorium. This means that I will happily allow myself to be tagged by you with a promise that I will “get to it” sometime in 2008 (just around the time that blogging becomes un-cool and Time magazine has a cover article entitled: The Death of the Blog. I am always on the wrong side of the cool curve!).

But I have only one request. In order to tag me for a meme, I asking that both of you include a meme, started by me, called: A Blog Better Than Mine Meme. All you need to do is review someone else’s blog that you think is at least as good as yours. Many of you already do something like this with your weekly reviews of blogs or Blog of the Week segments.

This isn’t about self-promotion or massive propagation. This is about genuinely acknowledging the talent and creativity of others. No reason to link back to me or anyone else. Simply include a post entitled “A Blog Better Than Mine” and review it.

I am only thinking this through as I type and I know I am getting incoherent, so to make a short story long, here are the key points of my “meme.”

1. Tag me for any meme you want. In fact, I welcome them.
2. Be patient and wait until 2008 (only 2 months away!)
3. In the same week, write a post called “A Blog Better Than Mine” and review it.

One day, I will come up with a logo to make it pretty and some “rules” that actually make sense.

Thanks for listening.

blogging, blogs way better than mine, tagged | 4 Comments »

My 10 year old is on the phone with his school buddy. I know I am getting old and out of touch with “the kids these days.” I am actually ecstatic about that. But considering the fact that my 5th grader just spent 3 hours doing his math homework while I hovered over him to let him know when to blink, I would have thought they would be comparing notes on the homework, or asking each other for help or setting up time to study together or try to get a jump start on tomorrow’s homework or work on the science project that is due next week. Nope! My 10 year old is pacing the floor right now and this is a literal transcription of what he just said 3 minutes ago (I had him stop and tell me what he said as I wrote this down):

I traded my level 1 Charmander, caught in a Pokeball, for a Garchomp, caught in a Master Ball. It was awesome! Now I have all of the evolutions: Gibble, Gabite and Garchomp. It knew strength, hyperbeam and whilrwind attack.

When did this boy learn a new language? What the hell is a Charmander? But since my head latched on to some of the words so I thought perhaps this was a version of Esperanto that only 10 year olds understand…Pre-teeneranto?

So to help with the translation, I had a little fun and “babel-ized” it. I took the original quote and plugged it into here. From here, the text is translated from English to French then back to English, then to another language and so on for 5 different languages and finally ending up at English again. This can be funny because after each translation it gets imperfecter and imperfecter. The end result was this:

I interested my level 1 Charmander, intercepted in Pokeball, for Garchomp, intercepted in an arsenal of the sphere. It was impressive! Hour I has all the progresses: Gibble, Gabite and Garchomp.It had known the attack of the resistance, of them hyperbeam he and whilrwind.

“Arsenal of the Sphere.” I have no idea what that is, but I want to have one.

funny, parenting | 7 Comments »

Can someone please tell me why English Muffins taste so horrible raw? I mean bread is good, toasted or not.It is simply a matter of choice whether you will put a slice of bread in the toaster. But what ingredient is in an English Muffin that really needs to be cooked?

Also, I don’t know about your toaster / toaster oven, but when I make toast, I can always toast any slice of bread within one cycle. But English Muffins need to be toasted 8 million times in order to actually make it look like the picture on the packaging.

Now that we are on the subject, can someone tell me if there is any English in an English Muffin? In England right now, is anyone sitting there at the breakfast table saying: “Mum, I could really go for some English muffins in all their nooks and crannies goodness right now.” If they leave off the English part, how do they distinguish between that and a traditional “American” muffin? Is that where the word crumpet comes in?

Have I beaten the muffin issue to death?

The only rule for commenting to this post is that I will permanently ban anyone who writes: “You have too much time on your hands, Dan.”

imponderable | 11 Comments »

Crest Pro Health Night Rinse: I stumbled upon a bottle of this stuff on the bathroom sink today:

Message clearly received. This product promises that if you use it before going to bed, your mouth will be cleaner when you wake up in the morning. I know I am the very living definition of a skeptic, but the promise of freedom from the eternal damnation of morning breath made me drunk with oblivion. This product could have been laced with cyanide and Kool-Aid and I STILL would have followed it into the Promised Land. Now I know how religious leaders make their flock of lemmings leap off the cliff!

I am one of those people that needs to read the instructions to all my products and was particularly intrigued by the “Night” part on the label. I believe that one day the directions on the back will say something OTHER than lather-rinse-repeat. What if this time it said: Lather-Rinse-But definitely DON’T repeat because you might die? Then my directions-arrogance would have caused my premature death! I decided early on in my life to avoid death at all costs….EVEN if it means I need to spend the rest of my life reading the backs of my myriad soaps, shampoos, mouthwashes and make-up….ummmm, I mean…that deodorant that makes women orgasm as long as you are a really good-looking guy to begin with [insert silverback chest thump here].

Now comes my (all too frequent) confusion: The directions clearly state to use this product twice a day….perhaps I am not being clear, but this NIGHTTIME product states that it should be used TWICE every day. On my planet, there is only one night time in a 24 hour day, I believe [not being a geophysicist]. So, the question I have is: am I expected to wake up while it is still night at 3AM and rinse again? Or should I just ignore the words “NIGHT” on the bottle and just use it again in the morning? Why call it a nighttime rinse then? If I am allowed to use the nighttime product during the day, shouldn’t I be allowed to use the daytime product at night?

It is 3AM in Boston….time for my second rinse.

funny, imponderable | 4 Comments »