Cafe Leone

Once again, I need to leave a post of substance behind in order to do the business of meme-ing.  Say good-bye to my Self-imposed Meme called “Posts that made me blank this week” as it slips down the page to number 2.

When Avery says to “take it like a man” and Deb happily blurts out that she tagged me not because she likes what I have to say but in order to punish me “because he NEVER does the meme’s he’s assigned. For shame, Dan! For shame” (scroll allllllll the way down as that is where Deb puts her afterthoughts), then I know my blog is no longer about me. It is now about responding to the “Tell me 37 things your high school classmates would say about you, if they saw you today” meme or the “Tell me the name of your favorite 28 insects” meme or my favorite “What would you do if you found out that all words ending in -ing were made illegal tomorrow” meme.

Firstly, in my own feeble defense, I am only behind on two tags that I have neglected. One was too complicated to figure out and the other one was one I already did before (”If you owned a family of albino gerbils, what would you name them” meme). One day, I will do those too, but squeaky wheels and all that, I will do Deb and Avery’s because these chiquitas are the very frozen definition of cool and I am a mere mortal in their presence [by the way, spell check doesn't like the word chiquitas. It preferred it capitalized and I am not ready to take it to that level...yet].

********WARNING: MEME ZONE***********

So, Avery is first. It is called 8 Things:

8 things I’m passionate about:
1. Thinking about writing
2. Not writing
3. Reading about writing
4. MEMES…accompanied by insults!
5. Nuclear Hot Buffalo Wings - despite being a vegetarian. I SOOOOOOO miss them! Sorry, poor buffaloes.
6. Skepticism / Atheism / Anti-Superstitionism
7. The New York Times Crossword Puzzle
8. Oh right, I am supposed to say family here.

8 things I want to do before I die:
1. Just one thing - Live

8 things I say often:
1. BoMR - acronym for Both of My Readers
2. Fuck-damn-shit-piss-nipple-penis is my swear of choice
3. I overuse the word “clearly”…clearly
4. I tell my kids to “figure it out” all too often
5. NO!!!! - with all the exclamation points
6. “OK, just this one time” when #5 doesn’t work
7. “Are you watching Law and Order again?!”
8. This may count as 3 things, but so be it:

Every day I come home and lift my 4 year old daughter up in the air and ask her 3 questions:
“Who is the only man that will ever really love you?” She answers: “You, Daddy!”
“What do all boys have?” She answers: ” Germs, Daddy!”
“What does wearing too much makeup make you look like?” She answers: “Cheap, Daddy!”

I will happily pay for the therapy bills.

8 books I’ve read recently:
1. Me Talk Pretty One Day
2. The Assault on Reason
3. The God Delusion
4. God is Not Great
5. Why Darwin Matters
6. A Short History of Nearly Everything
7. The Road
8. Ender’s Game

(nothing above was meant to offend anyone….SORRY all you Bill Bryson haters!)

8 songs that I could listen to over and over:
1. Pavarotti singing Non Ti Scordar Di Me (Do Not Forget Me)
2. Audrey Hepburn singing Moon River
3. Diana Krall singing The Look of Love
4. Wuthering Heights sung by either Hayley Westenra or the insane Kate Bush
5. Shiver by Natalie Imbruglia
6. YoYo Ma playing Bach’s Cello Suites
7. The Theme from my favorite movie, Cinema Paradiso, sung by Josh Groban
8. Dream On by Aerosmith

8 things that attract me to my best friend:
With musical tastes as above, do you really think I have a best friend? It might be a sad commentary, but I can’t say I have a best friend. It would be too easy to say my wife, but that is not same to me. So, for now, I got nothin’.

8 things I’ve learned this past year:
1. SQL
2. What pyoderma gangrenosum is - I have it and my life sucks
3. How to debate the creationism v evolution issue
4. That I feel borderline hatred for George Bush
5. Bloggers make great friends
6. That you can find almost ANY song on YouTube
7. That I no longer have infinite patience…In fact, it is INFINITELY finite
8. Netflix is very cool!

8 people who should do this meme and not complain:
1. What goes around, comes around, Deb.
7 other people that want to do it.
Sorry, I am awful like that.

Thanks Avery!

********WARNING: MEME ZONE***********

Now to move on to Deb’s Meme. This is the crazy one where you tell people your middle name, just in case you wanted to be stalked even more closely by a lunatic. Never mind, here is the cut and paste:

The Rules:

1) You have to post the rules before you give the facts.
2) Players must list one fact that is relevant to your life for each letter in your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name then use a name that you like.
3) When you are tagged, you must write a post containing your own middle name game facts.
4) At the end of your post, you must tag one person for each letter in your middle name. Don’t forget to comment them telling that they are tagged and to read your post to get the rules.

I was so ecstatic that I do not have a middle name. Finally a meme that I really cannot do! But, alas, I got to rule 2 which clearly states to make one up. So, Deb, here you go:

N - For “Say No To Memes”

Y - For YouTube-irrific

Dan

blogging, blogs way better than mine, tagged | 7 Comments »

I have been toying with this idea for some time now and thought it would be time to blog about it (if not obvious, I am really good at thinking about doing stuff!).

A good percentage of my time on the internet is spent reading other people’s blogs (OPB). I find inspiration and utter entertainment reading your words. I write in my blog only to be included in the club, otherwise, I would be just as happy lurking and devouring your words.

So, I thought I would give myself a meme called “Posts that made me….” and share with you a few posts that have affected me in some way. Of course, these are not the ONLY posts; in fact, the difficulty with this meme is that I need to narrow down my selection.

To conclude, whenever I am bored with my own words, you will see this semi-random (?!) post. Enjoy.

Post(s) that made me laugh this week:

I have a confession to share with both of you; I really hate Halloween. I am not talking about my Baby Goats and Halloween. It is awesome to watch them get dressed and overloaded on all things sugar. But, as an adult I have no idea what it is about wearing a costume that totally frightens me. In fact, I hate it so much that my “go-to” costume when I am forced to wear one is to attach a whole bunch of watches to my belt and when people ask me what I am, I simply tell them that I am a “Waist of Time.” Get it?!

I know there is a deep psychology to it that probably isn’t worth going into to, or vice versa, that there is no psychology to it and I am merely an idiot, but I don’t like the idea of being masked or pretending I am something that I am not. It could also be related to the fact that I cannot stand playing practical jokes on people.

But that doesn’t stop me from reading about other people’s adventures in playing dress-up:

For two different versions of the same Halloween party coupled with a ton of photos, check out Life’s Short and Terri Terri, Quite Contrary. How they managed to get 6 hot chicks into a bar together is beyond me!

For a spin on the traditional and ubiquitous memes, read Avery Gray’s take on it. I am reading this at exactly 2:57AM after the Red Sox won the World Series and I almost peed! She has a bullet point about the “comedian” Carrot Top and it made me think of the last time I was in Vegas, I saw his steroid-induced, can’t-put-my-arms-down-because-my-lats-are-too-big body fly through Caesar’s Palace. What a freak show (Carrot Top, not Avery..well maybe Avery too. I will get back to you on that)!
Post that made me think this week:

When my brain is craving the occasional jolt that can only come from actually USING IT, then I serve myself well to visit him. This blog deals with the issue of gullibility and anti-gullibility. I have only recently discovered him and am grateful for both the words on his blog as well as the thoughtful comments he leaves on mine. This post was particularly of interest to me and I feel it will be for all true skeptics. People have leveled the charge against me that since I don’t fully understand all scientific principals, like electricity, nor can I see electricity, that I have a similar “faith” in electricity that religious people have in their gods. Of course, this is not true and this post reminds me of that fact.

Post that made me cry this week:

They may have given the world the crazy antics of Benny Hill, but last week, this Brit gave me moments of tearful reflection as he shared with us the first post he ever wrote. He wrote this painful message in response to the death of a friend’s child. But tears of sadness were quickly replaced by tears of hope as Big Dan goes on to tell us what he is intending to do about it. Read it here. His name may be boring, but what he is doing is far from it. Good luck Dan. You are a hero!

Post that made me smarter this week:

I am a recent convert to the very latest in geek-chic (actually, I am a few years late) approach to personal productivity called Getting Things Done, or GTD. I have taken a bazillion “time management” courses and all of them completely ignore the what the hell do I do today question. They all have this over-simplified, top-down approach to getting things done. GTD, to me, is a revolutionary concept that clearly addresses those issues.

To understand some of this, you need to know that I literally (pun intended) am the most disorganized person on the planet. My job and borderline crisis state at home demand that I stay on top of myriad issues, projects and other minutiae. I cringe at the sight of “to do” lists that all but fall at the wayside as soon as the first interruption comes along and all your to do’s get pushed to tomorrow.

GTD is the first system that makes sense intuitively and exploits some of my fundamental flaws and makes them into a positive attribute to the getting things done.

Like most people, I am stuck in the “paralysis of analysis” phase; the thinking-about-the-beginningto-think-about the-research-to-begin phase. So I spend a lot of time reading other GTD’ers as they go through their process.

I stumbled upon this blog that essentially tell you how to “Get GTD Done.” It is well written and serves to motivate me, yet again, to GET THINGS DONE!

So go, get away from here and read some real blogs! You can come back later to thank me.

blogging, blogs way better than mine | 7 Comments »

What ever happened to the red pistachio?  At one time, red was the only color they came in. For that matter, why were they ever painted red in the first place? Seems like a lot of effort.

imponderable | 4 Comments »

I respond well to humiliation. So when Deb from Missives from Suburbia emails me saying:

You need to blog tonight. I’m getting tired of nothing new when I visit.

Then I know it is high time for me to step up. I didn’t realize that the third member of the BoMR Club (Both of My Readers Club) would have such an affect.  But I now know that I have a fickle fanbase that requires a subtle balance of rapid-fire repartee coupled  with thought-provoking posts that linger like a lover’s scent.

After my last post about gaming, I assumed that I should let that one linger. Clearly, that was not true. My last post should have been buried below the fold, if published at all.

So thank you Deb for setting me straight.  You definitely deserve a link-back! Brace youself for all the click-through’s to your excellent site. For those who do not know Deb, then you should definitely stop reading here and follow the link. Besides excellent writing, you should check out the labels she attaches to each of her posts. Here is one example from a single post: bill cosby, it’s only illegal if you get caught, mmm…hot dogs! How can anyone go wrong with that!?

This leads me to a question for BoMR: When you write a particularly thoughtful post, one that really stands out in your own head as something meaningful, do you try to let it linger a bit before you post again? Or do you simply post as the muse mandates? How does that make you feel knowing that perhaps 90% of your readers (at least my readers) never leave the top post?

blogging, funny | 15 Comments »

OK, I need both of you to keep a secret. It is critical that you do in order that I maintain my “manhoodliness.” I have come to the realization lately that after 43 years on this planet, I do not play any video games. That’s right, no, meaning none whatsoever, video games. But not only that, I have never really played any video games.

I checked to make sure that all the parts that “define” me as a man are still intact. Check. Then checked again for the fun of it. I confirm that I am unequivocally male. Add to that my genetic predisposition to think of sex every 7 seconds interspersed with the words Red Sox and I am confident that I am still male….at least ceremoniously.

But somehow I was out the day that video games were invented. I lived a couple of miles, and hung out in, a local mall. I know there was an arcade. I know my friends were in there playing all those new-fangled arcade games, like Pacman, Asteroids, Donkey Kong, Tempest and Centipede. We all remember those games where you had just a single joystick or, if you were really fancy, a button and a giant trackball. All my friends were in the arcade, so what the eff was I doing while they were playing? Was I a bystander? Was I out shopping at Chess King because I was all about fashion (a trait that clearly has lingered to this day)?

Truth is, I have no idea what I was doing, but I can tell you, without hesitation, that I was not playing video games.

Part of the problem is that I am not a very competitive person. I was never one that needed to crush my opponent. That desire is mostly lost of me (check manhood here. Yup, still intact). I am not even competitive with myself. Add to that, I feel like I am completely unable to immerse myself in the strange new worlds promised by the video games.

Even now, with children, I do not play video games with them despite the fact that their thumbs are the only part of their bodies that gets exercise. They can quite literally sit in front of the Game Cube, which I bought for them, for days, maybe years on end without looking up.

So, here I am, at 43, trying to figure out this video game thing. Here is my plan: I want to take your suggestions and purchase a video game (for the computer and not the game consoles). I then want to write about the experience as I work my way up the learning curve. I can only imagine that this will serve as riveting blogging…if my blog was not riveting enough.

So, to get me started, I need your advice downloading or purchasing a video game. I know there are different types of games, like first-person shooters, sports, puzzles, arcade-style, strategy and role-playing games.
If I had my druthers, I would not choose a F.P.S game. But I can be convinced. A general rule is that it must be playable on a basic PC laptop with the out-of-the-box graphics card. No hardware mods allowed. I would gladly give up slick graphics for interesting gameplay . The other criteria is that I am not required to pay monthly subscription fees to use the game. I don’t have two pennies to rub together, and last I checked I have a couple or three children that need to be fed (on a rotating schedule) so please don’t make me pay to play.

Questions for Both of My Readers (BoMR): Since I am at best only a geek-wannabe, I need your help.
What video game should I purchase as a 43 year old’s first introduction to the world of gaming?
What are your thoughts about gaming in general?
I know many of us are parents so does that mean you have less time or perhaps more time to engage in games?

blogging, funny | 15 Comments »

Hello Everyone:

I just want to thank you so much for your kind words yesterday. I am still utterly stunned at the news of a terminal illness in the family and I simply had no idea what direction to turn.

It truly helped to read all your thoughtful comments yesterday. I have reflected on them many times in the last 24 hours.

It is an amazing testament to the power of blogging that 10 or so comments from different people from all walks of life and locations can join, ever-so-briefly together, to reach out a hand of support.

I am amazed, humbled and eternally grateful.

Me

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my father | 1 Comment »

Three days ago, my father was diagnosed with ALS, or Lou Gehrig’s disease. He has been given two years to live. The strongest man I know with no physical limitations whatesoever today will die from paralysis and asphyxiation in two years.

Will someone please tell me what the fuck I am supposed to do?

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my father | 20 Comments »

[Disclosure: I stole this idea from here so please don't tell the real Dan! The Brits still haven't gotten over the whole David Beckham thing]

I am pretty sure that it was Rich Hall that started the Sniglets (words that are not in the dictionary, but should be).

I have had this word in my head for the last 10 years and I really believe it should be included in the next edition of the dictionary.

Refrigidigitation -  The habit of repeatedly opening the refrigerator door in the hope that different, more appealing food will magically appear.

Come on now…you have to be laughing at this!

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funny | 3 Comments »

I know real writers will roll their eyes at this question but please hear me out. I have a reason for asking it feel that I need some sincere assistance.

What tools do you use to write your novels or stories?

This can mean digital or analog solutions.

Now, whenever I see this question asked in the writer’s boards inevitably there are a lot of flip answers by writers. I hear the “the only tool I need when I write is between my ears.” or “never mind software, just a pen and paper.” or “Microsoft Word is all you need” or my favorite is “A Mac.” Those answers are all fine and dandy, but what I am looking for is a real solution to a real concern.

A little background here.

As I have mentioned in posts past, I am a person without rituals. I do not wake up at the same time, poop at the same time, workout at the same time, eat the same food and I certainly do not do what I hear all writers do: I do not have a specific time during the day that I write. Oh, I am ever-so-jealous of these people that can wake up at 4AM and write for 2 hours. This is not me. I sometimes do that. I also sometimes write during breaks at work, sitting in a cafe or on an airplane or at midnight. I am much better at the ritual of not writing at all.

I have parts of my novel on my home laptop, part on Google Docs, part at work, some versions on my flash drive. I also have some index cards that I carry around and a Moleskine to write when I am not on a laptop. I am also interested in the various writing software out there. I have used YWriter and some others. They are VERY helpful at keeping all files in a central location but the interfaces always seem juvenile. They also help me to maintain integrity of characters and timelines and notes. For example, in my novel, my antagonist is sometimes 34, 39 and 44 years old. I can never remember how old he is and those programs seem to keep that data on hand.

How do you organize yourselves? Where are notes about characters kept in relation to the actual draft of the story? In conclusion, where does your story live?

Thanks to both you for reading my rambles.

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writing | 4 Comments »

In a blatant attempt to ride on the coattails of the ever-so-successful cafeleone.net, Deb from:

Missives From Suburbia

has once again tagged me for another meme. Despite my protests and argument that no one really reads memes, she persisted and threatened. So without further ado, here are my answers to Bernard Pivot’s questionnaire (you know the one you see on Inside the Actor’s Studio).

I know this is gripping stuff so I don’t want to waste any more of your time with all this backstory.

1. What is your favorite word?
Rendevous - literally the best thing that French have given us….that and fries…and the bidet.

2. What is your least favorite word?
Blasé - just to remind me that the French are not all that special.

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually, or emotionally?

In myself: I am still trying to figure that out.
In others: A combination of passion and risk

4. What turns you off?
Superstitions

5. What is your favorite curse word?
I have a habit of saying a string of curses together. My two favorites are:

fuckdamnshitpissnipplepenis
slutpigbitchwenchwhoredouchebag

In all honesty, I can never get through the second one without my tongue getting knotted.

6. What sound or noise do you love?
Kid’s laughter is too easy, so I will have to go with the sound of rain….I guess that was too easy too.

7. What sound or noise do you hate?
The “tada” sound pc’s make when starting up. KILL ME!

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
I wish I was smart enough to be an astrophysicist working on those big questions of life, the universe and everything.

9. What profession would you not like to do?
A salesman of any kind! At one point in my life, I sold cars and I totally sucked at it.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
“You can come in, Dan; I just sent all the fundamentalists to hell.”

So now i need to tag 5 people. Well guess what, I am a rebel. I am tagging ANYONE in my blogroll who has not already done this meme before. I know this is cheating, but it is my blog sometimes.

If you don’t feel like participating in a full on meme, then feel free to comment here with any thoughts.

Question for Both of My Readers (BoMR): What is your favorite word?

tagged | 13 Comments »

My Desktop…this week

Originally uploaded by danleone.

My newly discovered blog buddy at Missives From Suburia tagged me for a meme. This is the one where, you upload a screenshot of your desktop to share with the world.

So, without further ado, here is my desktop. If Chapter 1 of my book didn’t put you to sleep, then this is guaranteed to. I am all about minimalism on my desktop. I have removed all the icons that I can and as soon as I figure out how to get rid of those two, I will! The image is one I stole (shhhh!) from Flickr. It is of a Moleskine notebook. For those that don’t know, a Moleskine is what non-writers use to pretend that they are writing when sipping espressos at Starbucks. I have 3 of them that I have managed to fill with doodles, non-writing and a food log (I am a pig by the way!). You can click on the image to see it in all its full screen glory.

Now, I USUALLY do not tag other people which makes me the worst kind of human imaginable. But this seems like a lot of fun. So, my blog buddies, you have been tagged:

Dan at All That Comes With It - Actually, I am scared to see this one! Hey Dan, I know you are a Mac user so just click on that “IHateMicrosoft” button to get a screenshot using your elbow)

Terri at Terri Terri - Since Terri is an excellent photographer, I hope there is one of her images on her desktop!

Jodi at Looking Beyond the Cracked Window - A writer this good, MUST have something juicy on her desktop!

PiTS at People in the Sun - He just scares me!

…and who can ever forget Mel at Momma Mia Mea Culpa?

I have been to all your website lately and haven’t seen this meme before and I know you all know how to put images in your posts, so this should be a lot of fun! How was that for a run-on sentence?

Here is a cut and paste of the instructions:

A. Upon receiving this tag, immediately perform a screen capture of your desktop. It is best that no icons be deleted before the screen capture so as to add to the element of fun. You can do a screen capture by:
[1] Going to your desktop and pressing the Print Scrn key (located on the right side of the F12 key).
[2] Open a graphics program (like Picture Manager, Paint, or Photoshop) and do a Paste (CTRL + V).
[3] If you wish, you can “edit” the image, before saving it.

B. Post the picture in your blog. You can also give a short explanation on the look of your desktop just below it if you want. You can explain why you preferred such look or why is it full of icons. Things like that.

C. Tag five of your friends and ask them to give you a Free View of their desktop as well.

tagged | 9 Comments »

Please allow me the luxury of reposting Chapter 1 of a book I am pretending to write. Everyone so often I feel the urge to post chapter 1 in a feeble attempt to convince both of you, and mostly myself, that I am writing a book at all. There are 15 more chapters of feeble attempts, but I always post Chapter 1. Oh, I am not so vain as to keep posting the same chapter over and over again. No, sir. I typically change a couple of words, usually be making liberal use of an online thesaurus. So, without further ado, I give you, once again, Chapter 1 of The Son of His Father. If either of you are awake at the end of the chapter, I will offer a bit of insight into the story.
Chapter 1

The bumper sticker said it all; a white background, an Italian flag and in large red font, the words The Lake. Dean had seen a million of them affixed to screen doors, telephone poles, shop windows and sometimes even on a bumper. The announcement so worthy of a bumper sticker was that you were from The Lake; not the lake, no caps, or that you lived around some body of water larger than a pond. But from The Lake; capital T, capital L and all its ramifications.

Dean grew up in the Nonantum section of Newton as every Cedrone did. Nonantum was named after the Algonquin Indian word for “place of rejoicing” following a conversion to Christianity of a band of Indians by the Rev John Eliot. This is the end of the history lesson. That was all Dean ever knew about the story of this small village. But to anyone this side of the Mass Pike, this will forever be The Lake.

If the image painted in your head is one of a body of water; if your mind’s eye pictures boys fishing along the banks or launching themselves off a rope swing, you would easily be forgiven. You see, in The Lake, there was no lake. Few people even knew why it was called The Lake. The assumption was that a longer time ago than anyone living could remember, there was in fact a lake to be jumped into or fished from.

The inescapable fact was that this was not your typical “village” of Newton. Newton had a reputation, and only because it deserved it, of being a moneyed suburb of Boston. With its stately homes and SUVs; old money and the nouveau riche; boutiques and soccer moms, Newton stank with money and the stench of entitlement permeated each blade of professionally coiffed grass. This exclusiveness was everywhere in Newton; everywhere except The Lake. Here, you could drive down Washington Street and once you took the right onto Adams Street you would be instantly transported to Not Newton Massachusetts. Here, the homes were smaller and packed more closely together. Lawns were replaced by vegetable gardens and automatic sprinklers firing off precisely at four in the morning replaced by statues of the Virgin Mary protected by a half bathtub surrounded with perennial Christmas lights; large wooden Doric columns replaced by fancy brick work.

These bricks were placed one at a time, by the irreversibly calloused hands of the men of San Donato, Italy. No conversation of The Lake can exist without mentioning San Donato; a mountain-side village usually described without description as being “South of Rome.” But somehow the migration began. Somehow, there was a pioneer Sandonatese that left the village to seek that better life in America that everyone talks about. Perhaps he lied and told everyone that the streets of America were paved with gold and this enticed subsequent immigrants or more likely they were lured by the fact that the streets were paved at all. After all, post-war Italy was no one’s idea of a fantasy.

Why Newton? Why The Lake? Who knows? Herd mentality or some deep sociological need for like to remain with like. Dean didn’t care. All he knew was that he hated this place.

The story is fictional, inasmuch as any story is completely fictional. The location is entirely real and is based on the area of Newton that I grew up in. Dean, an Italian American has spent the last 30 years of his life running away from his “Italian-ism” but the death of his father forces him to return home. The story is an unapologetically sentimental journey home.

Question for BoMR (Both of My Readers): Did you stay awake?

The Son of His Father, writing | 10 Comments »

I hope that everyone out there finds this as funny as I do right now! Firstly, don’t ask what I am doing up at 2AM. That is another post entirely!

Secondly,  as a little setup, I live on a busy city street in Boston. This street is mostly residential, but directly across the street is a small clump of storefronts; a convenience store, a realtor, a dry cleaners and a laundromat.  The laundromat has been a point of conversation in our house for many years. You see, the laundry owners have always used automatically-locking doors to close the place down at 11PM. So, if you walk by and try to open the doors at 11:15, the doors are locked. If you are inside, then of course, the doors open from the inside and then will lock behind you. The problem is that 9 days out of 10, someone will prop the door open and continue to do laundry until anytime they want. Even this is usually fine. I can’t hear them doing laundry. The problems arise when the door remains propped open and the riff-raff find a warm, dryer-sheet-smelling spot to hang out in.

To add to the setup scene here, I need to tell you one more fact. One of the weird developments that I have noticed living in the city is the explosion of strange city animals. Whereas at one time, there were only pigeons (by the way, where the hell have all the pigeons gone) and squirrels, there are now raccoons, possums (yes, the same possums that  the Granny made soup out of in Bug Tussle) and SKUNKS! I am not sure if you heard, so I will tell you again, SKUNKS!

Fast forward to five minutes ago. I am looking out my window, Mr Roper style, and there is a young couple in the store. I am not sure if they are actually doing laundry, but I can see that he has her sitting on a machine and he is kissing her…a lot. Basically, they are making out in the laudromat. It is a scene familiar to any of us that were once teens. He kisses her, she kisses back. He tries to feel her ass, she pushes him away. They kiss again. He tries to reach under her shirt. She pushes him away. Freakin’ adorable.

I then see, squatly walking along the sidewalk a giant, white and black skunk sniffing its way along and stopping every few feet to take a deep sniff of the sidewalk. This critter looks like a janitor’s dust mop that was just pulled out of the dryer for a fresh dance across a school cafeteria floor.

I am willing to bet that when this couple woke up this morning, they did not plan on ever meeting a skunk, but that is precisely what happened. The skunk, drunk with the smell of fabric softener, poked his head into the laundromat and noticed the couple first. BUT instead of being a normal wild animal and scurrying off to the jungle or wherever it is that skunks live, he decides that he should enter. As he enters, the girl is the first to scream. She is already standing on one of the machines, when the boy lets out a shriek too. He joins his lover on top of the washing machine as the skunk pays no mind. He pokes around a trash barrel as I hear the boy, summoning what little was left of his manhood, belts out a “getouttahere! shoo! shoo!” She, having no issues retaining her girliness, is left in a trembling, whimpering mass of immobility.

At this time, the skunk, bored with the lack of courtesy shown by the couple, chooses to leave and continue on to find that pot of scrumptious skunk food that MUST be hidden behind the next tree, trash barrel or laundromat.

The couple, still shaking, ventures out nervously. They must have heard of the recent spate (what the hell is a “spate” by the way and why are they always recent?) of skunk ambushes on unsuspecting teens.  Once he gives her the all clear, she bolts across the street, leaving her lover behind; survival of the fittest afterall. He does a run-walk designed to save face in the eyes of his girlfriend. Because he knows, if he plays his cards just right, he can use this event to increase his chance of getting some…wink, wink.

Thanks for listening. It is now 3AM…good night.

funny | 8 Comments »

The books all smelled the same, but I knew they each had something different to offer. The main branch of the public library was a half mile from my house. When I was young, this half-mile was considered the farthest I could travel on my own, without a car, without my parents. This freedom, typical for a child in the 1970’s, was a ticket for me; a ticket to anywhere and everywhere outside of this half-mile radius.

I will never know what drew me to this particular musty corner of the third floor of the library. Math was not my forte in school and I was struggling to manage algebra. This row of shelves was tucked between the sheet music section with its giant books filled with music notations and the social science section with its books about aborigines and anthropology. But I do know that I was DRAWN to this section. I was too young to understand most of what I looked at, but I knew that I was in a world entirely different than anything I had ever experienced.

I pulled a random calculus book off the shelf; one that clearly hadn’t been opened in years or ever. I did not even know what calculus was at the time. The jacketless cover cracked as I opened it. Inside was the magic world of numbers and symbols that instantly swept me away from my world of comfort and familiarity into a universe of possibilities. Inside these pages, I was swimming within a pool of reason and logic. I saw illustrations that showed ladders resting against walls and water flowing out of a basin. I saw graphs of beautiful symmetry that extended forever but finitely.

I read, without understanding, concepts such as limits and rates of change. I devoured words such as integration and derivatives and chewed on on summations.

I became lost in a world of Greek letters and squiggles. These symbols were more beautiful to me than the world’s greatest art. Though this sentence is not necessarily true, I saw art as something that showed us the world and these symbols were art that explained the world.

I felt alive in this corner of the library. I returned often and immersed myself in the ancient texts like some archaeologist staring at hieroglyphics; knowing that he is looking at something important even if not entirely understanding it.

At this point, I dreamed of being a mathematician, even though I struggled with trigonometry. But as is often the case with education, that dream was squelched by rote memorizations and struggling for grades. It was not about nurturing a passion but about passing a class and moving on, robotically to the next.

I have since lost that battle, now 43 and not a mathematician. I have lost many of those battles in my life. Mathematics was replaced by biology which was replaced by physics and cosmology. At each turn, I was faced with self-doubt fostered by continuous force-feeding of facts without contexts and judgment without consideration.

I have always been interested in these fields; my bookshelf filled with more Aczel and Hawking than Grisham and Patterson. Just last week, I uncovered an old calculus book in the attic. I remember throwing this book out of the window at the library into the bushes three stories below. I NEVER actually borrowed any books. I stole them until I was done with them. But I had this one in the attic. I brought it down to show my 10 year old. He is a little younger than I was when I first came across it, but I took a chance. I opened it and just showed him the myriad graphs and symbols. I spoke romantically and with melancholy. He did his due diligence and listened. After about 15 minutes of talking about numbers as if they were made of gold, he looked me in the eyes and asked, “Are you done Dad?”

No, son, I am not.

Baby Goats, parenting, writing | 6 Comments »

I take great pride in the fact that I have shielded my children from the violence that is so prevalent on TV and the movies. The adults in the house avoid watching the news when the Baby Goats are around and I believe the best invention is the ability to pause live TV. Of course, I understand that they are still exposed to violence when I am not around, but I try so hard to create a safe place for them in this house. I also know that as they get older, I will have less control over that and perhaps that is how it should be. There has to be an age where knowing that there is good and evil in the world is appropriate.

Yesterday, all I wanted to do was watch the New England Patriots defeat the Cleveland Browns with my 10 year old son. How great is it when five of us, each with a bowl of popcorn in our laps, sit down in front of the TV, all set to watch football? Well the Leone Family Funtime was short-lived. Every single commercial break had a preview for some violent TV program or movie. I frantically searched for the remote in order to skip some of the images, but at some point, my oldest saw CSI commercials where a man shoots a woman and it appears he throws her into the ocean. He also saw previews for that vampire movie that is due out.

This was a 1:00 game!

It is amazing that I see some parents get all up in arms about sex on TV, but accept without question the graphic violence. I would prefer my son see a semi-exposed breast than a shot of a decomposed body

So the solution was to take advantage of the technology. We paused the live TV for 30 minutes and then we would watch the game as I fast forwarded through the commercials. This would have worked, except by the time this happened, all three goats finished their popcorn and began having light-saber battles in their room….completely uninterested in the game.

parenting | 7 Comments »

I am sitting here, with laptop literally on my lap trying to get through today’s NY Times crossword puzzle. My 6 year old comes up to me, eyes barely open and asks: “Daddy, is there such a thing as a three cent coin?” I said no. He processes this for a minute and says “How about a twenty-two cent coin?” No Marc, there is no such thing as a 22 cent coin. He considers this response, clearly concerned and then asks, “How about a fifty-five cent coin?”

When is he going to stop? We can do this all day!

So, being the Father of the Year, I decided to turn this into an opportunity for learning, so I pull out some coins in order to discuss it. I tell him that in America, we really only use about 4 coins and that there are a couple of others that we rarely see. We then discuss the stupid system we use here with pennies, nickles, dimes and quarters.

He looks at me in the eyes and asks “Daddy, is there a seventy-two cent coin?”

IT IS 6 IN THE MORNING! I quit.

Baby Goats, funny, parenting | 3 Comments »

What is the appeal of men “pinching” a woman’s ass?

I am not talking about the simple fact that this is an assault on a woman and is dangerously inappropriate. I think we can all agree with that. What I am wondering is what is the appeal of the pinch? I was watching Family Guy the other night and the wife(what the hell is her name, by the way?) was working as a flight attendant and by the end of a flight, she stated that she was pinched by so many men that her ass felt like a pin-cushion.

I don’t get it. If I wanted to be a pig and a woman was turning me one, the last thing that I would want to do is grab a woman’s ass between just two fingers and pinch until I cause pain.

This is so irrelevant that I probably won’t post it….OK, I did post it.

imponderable | 10 Comments »

I am trying to write a story about growing up in a section of Newton Mass called “:The Lake.” It was a wonderful experience for me and thought it would be an interesting idea for a book. One of the things I remember was a weird language we spoke. We used words that I have never heard of since like Mush and Divia and Gimmel. I have no idea what they are. They sound Yiddish but The Lake was all about the Italians from San Donato Italy.

Well, as part of the research for this book, I put a classified on craigslist.com. I offered to trade a cup of coffee for an hour long interview to talk about their memories and especially their vocabulary. I never expected to get a single response. In fact, I have received about 20 responses in 24 hours! Most of them very helpful and I am eternally grateful. But here is one of the best replies I have received:

im 27 grew up in lake just had fathers fun at magnis as wellas other fam members in past i know older peeps inlake that grew upin 60s n 70s if u interested get back mush

This is a direct CUT AND PASTE of his email to me. How can I talk to him about the vocabulary of The Lake if he doesn’t speak ENGLISH!! What is that ?

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blogging, funny, writing | 8 Comments »

I have a saying, “As Dan goes, so goes Dan”. The one and only Dan at http://www.allthatcomeswithit.com has tagged me with a really cool meme. I still haven’t haven’t figured out what I think about these memes. They are a really cute way to socialize and cross breed links with other bloggers. On the other hand, they sometimes appear as a disingenuous attempt at self-promotion. Whatever the philosophical questions remain about blog memes, they can be a lot of fun and this meme is unique.

This meme revolves around gadgets and 4 questions:

1. What is the most pointless gadget you have?
2. What is the most useful gadget you have?
3. What is your biggest gadget extravagance?
4. What is your favourite gadget?

It was created by Sam at Rabbit Confused With Raisins , I believe.

I decided to focus only on NON-DIGITAL gadgets.
Most Pointless Gadget I Own:

Believe it or not, this is called an Egg Topper and it is designed to decapitate a soft-boiled egg. It would be a very useful gadget IF I ate soft-boiled eggs and eggs came in an ultra-small size since the scissors’ opening is more appropriate for hummingbird eggs.

The Most Useful Gadget I Own:

With this toothbrush, I actually look forward to brushing my teeth more than once a week! You know that feeling when you walk out of the dentist’s office with freshly de-furred teeth…you know, where your tongue glides across your teeth and you need to catch your tongue before it slides out of your mouth? Well, you can have that feeling every day with the Sonicare toothbrush! Word of warning: the ultrasonic pulses can shatter your teeth like gallstones if you are not careful!

My Biggest Gadget Extravagance:

This is very much a cooking household and unlike most people that use have let their mixers collect dust in the basement, we not only use ours, but have recently upgraded to the largest size Kitchen Aid makes for the home. way cool to make double batches of cakes and pizza doughs. The only problem is that it cost a billion dollars.

My Favorite Gadget:

Despite the fact that I have been on a self-imposed coffee fast for the last few months, I have always enjoyed an occasional espresso. I know the brew that comes out of this type of stove-top machine is not technically an espresso, and I do own a real espresso machine, but nothing compares to this ultra-low-tech method of brewing coffee.

I am not one that likes to tag others and have always felt uncomfortable with the process, I am simply tagging either of my two readers.

But if you don’t want to do your own full-fledged post, here is my question for BoTM (both of my readers): Tell me some of your favorite, pointless, extravagant gadgets:

tagged | 6 Comments »