Cafe Leone

I went to Starbucks this morning. I understand that it is the evil empire, but in Boston the only alternative is Dunkin’ Donuts. I am not about to patronize a company that uses their donuts as a coffee filter (that is what the coffee tastes like to me). Besides, I really am off the coffee for now so all I drink is an occasional shot of espresso. For those who don’t know, an espresso is about 1.5 ounces of liquid gold. It is heaven in a cup. It also forms the basis of ALL their fancy coffee drinks.

I stepped up to the multi-pierced cashier and ordered a “For Here Doppio.” Doppio is Italian for double.  I wanted a 3 ounce coffee orgasm. The multi-pierced cashier squeaked the order to the multi-tattooed barista and in 3 minutes I was presented with the requested 3 ounces of velvety-love BUT IN A LARGE MUG! They “ran out” of demi-tasses! The store was opened 15 minutes ago! Why are you out of demi-tasses? That would be like McDonald’s running out of hamburgers. “Sorry, Sir, I gave you a McFish sandwich made with nothing that was ever a fish because we ran out of hamburgers!” But instead of McDonald’s price of a nickle for the sandwich, a double shot of silken magic costs about $493!

To put an espresso (smooth death) in a large mug is the equivalent of drinking the finest champagne from a Nalgene water bottle. The espresso (creamy hugs) in a large cup means that it will be cold in 3 seconds and the ever-so-delicate crema that forms on the top is broken and sloshing around like sea foam in a fetid tide pool. If I went to a fine restaurant and ordered a cheesecake and they threw it into the blender, and gave it to me in a tall glass with a straw and said: “Sorry, we are out of plates”, it would be the EXACT SAME THING!

Now, under no circumstances did I complain to the woman. I NEVER complain to service people. I have had MANY service jobs in my life and unless she spit in my coffee,  she can do no wrong. BUT what I did do was write a kind note to the district manager in hopes that they understand that an imperfect espresso (black manna) can only lead to imperfect EVERY OTHER DRINK ON THEIR MENU!

I am ashamed that I wasted both of you valuable times with the rant.

Question for both of you: Tell me something that will trip your trigger (make me feel good by keeping it trivial)

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As both of you know, I used to be an EMT. If you stick around long enough, you realize that I begin many conversations with that exact sentence. I tend to use that card when I am at a party because it inevitably results in “what’s the grossest thing you ever saw” conversations. For a brief, shining moment, I am the center of the universe as I relate story after story in the “The Older I Get, The Better I Used To Be” saga that is my life.

The point of this pointless post is that I have seen a lot of stuff. By “a lot”, I mean “A LOT!” Lots of capital letters and exclamation points. Blood, guts, pieces and parts. I have been puked on, shat upon, beaten up and even managed to save a life or two.

So, when my 6 year old came up to me and showed me his loose tooth, wiggling it furiously and bending it so that it was horizontal, I must have said “That is fantastic, Marc! You are getting to be a BIG boy now. Can I wiggle it too?”

WRONG! What I said instead was: “Holy crap! That is gross! Get that away from me! YUCK! ICKY!” and almost had my knees give out on me.

Luckily it fell out when I wasn’t near it.

From tough guy to p*ssy! Remember my motto: The older I get, the better I used to be. 

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