Things I Should Know, But Don’t

Below is a list of things I don’t know, but should know, and am embarrassed that I don’t know. These aren’t the typical joke imponderables like: “If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?” I didn’t make that one up but I KNOW that I made this imponderable up: “If Harry is short for Harold and Larry is short for Lawrence, why isn’t Barry short for Barold or Bawrence?” No, these are true imponderables that I feel like very ignorant that I don’t know.

• I still have no idea what the difference is between affect and effect - This haunts me like you will never know, because I consider myself someone who has a grasp on the mechanics of writing (imagine if I had something to say!). I have looked it up a billion times and I still need to whenever I want to know. I spend way too much time avoiding using those words so as to not have to deal with it.
• I don’t know the difference between a swan and a goose it – I was very excited to be running on the Charles River this morning when I saw approximately 30 white birds sleeping along the banks of the river. I wanted to write about them because I never knew Boston had so many of them. The other reason this bothers me is a consider myself a reasonably astute observers of birds in my backyard and am very proud that I can tell a starling from a cardinal from a catbird (catbird – isn’t that such a self-destructive name?).
• I don’t know if biannual means once every two years or twice every year. For that matter, the same goes for a bimonthly magazine subscription . Is it twice a month or once every two months?
• I don’t know, usually in movies, the waitress needs to lick her pencil – What does it accomplish?
• I don’t know what the active voice or passive voice is -Whenever I read about how to write (a good technique to avoid writing) I inevitably read that I should be using the active voice and not the passive voice. They will even show examples. I still don’t get it.
• I don’t know why that mnemonic that we all have in our heads on which months have 30 days and which have 31 works. I remember it, but the rhyme works even if you just make up the months. “30 days, hath September, April, June, November. All the rest…..” sounds just as right as “30 days hath October, May, July, December. All the rest….”
• Until someone proves me wrong, it is my strongly held opinion that the job of a vacuum cleaner is to simply throw the dust around into the air until it settles days later and it is time to vacuum again. So, I guess I don’t understand vacuums. Don’t tell me to look at the bag to tell it is actually sucking dirt up. That is too easy.
• I don’t understand musical scales – I love classical music and when I hear that something is in the key of G, they might as well tell me that it is in the key of TUFDKFLD because it means the same thing. the problem, again, is that I read about these things ALL the time.
• I really don’t know how to gamble – I am going to Vegas for work two times in the next two months. I have been 5 times before and I have NEVER EVER placed a dime, chip or my elbows at one of those tables. Don’t get me started on Sports Betting. I have never done it. I don’t know what over-unders, spreads or odds are. I don’t join the pools at work for that reason.
• I STILL don’t understand interest rates or finance charges on my credit cards – I am fairly cautious with my money, but I don’t get those things. I just assume the smaller the number, the better.
• I really don’t know how to spit or whistle – I thought about that on my run today. I saw a runner pass me and directed a perfectly, almost biblical, wad of whatever he could dig up in his sinuses, at the side of the road. I almost weeped at how beautiful it was because if I attempted the same thing, I would have ended up spraying a feeble mist back onto myself. Don’t get me started on whistling. The most sexist comment you will hear me make is that I believe women should never whistle. The ALWAYS screw it up and whistle on both the inhale and the exhale…never mind that it looks ugly. Well, I must be a woman then because I look and sound exactly the same. And please don’t ask me to do that two finger whistle thing; you might as well ask me to speak Chinese.
• I call myself Italian, but only my dad is from Italy. My mom is from Uruguay South America. To this day, I don’t know the difference between Latino and Hispanic. Nor do I know if I qualify as one of them.
• I can’t golf – When I was growing up, my friend and his dad were going golfing and I asked if I could come. His dad looked at me and said that left-handed people can’t golf because they don’t make clubs for them. I TOTALLY believed that for the next 20 years! Now, I sometimes wish I did and then I realize it is something I don’t need to spend money on. I have other vices, like heroin. Joking, of course.

I guess that is it for now.

So, in conclusion, TAG YOU ARE ALL IT!

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