Someone recently asked me what my greatest fear was. I am absolutely certain that the expected answer was something pretty basic and uncomplicated; spiders, flying, snakes etc. Imagine the eyeballs rolling up in their sockets as I spent more than 1 minute thinking of an answer. Not wanting to wait for my well thought out answer, my other friend said “I am afraid of heights. I can’t even go two steps on a ladder.”
I didn’t really listen as I spent more time thinking. I never really got to express my greatest fears as the conversation quickly turned to favorite movies (Cinema Paradiso, I might add here).
So now I have had two months to think of an answer and I don’t really know why it took so long because it was so obvious to me. My greatest fear is is quite simply the fear of being forgotten. I am so afraid that those that know me now will not know me the day after I die…or worse, I have been long forgotten before I die.
As BoMR (Both of My Readers) know, I used to be an EMT and that blood and guts was just a small portion of the job; the part that made cocktail parties with me very exciting…if your stomach could handle it. “You mean he was impaled on four concrete reinforcement bars when he fell five stories at the construction site? COOOL!”
But, it was never about that….in fact I saw very little of that….or paid attention to little of it. But I became very reflective when I saw people dead or dying or suffering all alone. Homeless people, virtually forgotten unless they are being nuisances by washing our windshields at stop lights along the Charles. Here they are, crumpled masses, utterly forgotten dying in the bowels of the city or being treated at the city hospital where no one comes to visit and the waiting rooms are more populated by housekeeping staff taking a break by watching TV than by family members. Kind of reminds me of one of a song with such poignant lyrics, Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles:
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?
All the lonely people
Where do they all come from ?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong ?
Father McKenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near.
Look at him working. darning his socks in the night when there’s nobody there
What does he care?
All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?
Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father McKenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved
All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?
My greatest fear is that I will be one of those lonely people, forgotten by all.
The flip side of that fear is that I will be remembered for all the wrong reasons. Just one of the many motivators to lose weight was when I was at an event where my son was doing a karate demo to a group of people and he looked so lethargic and disinterested and I was commiserating with the woman next to me who noticed the same with her son. At some point she elbowed me and said, “But look who is complaining. It is not like either of us could do any better.” She said this pointing to our bellies. Wait a minute, I thought. This is not me. I am not a fat guy who couldn’t do a push up. For crap’s sake, I have run 5 marathons in my life! The extra girth is an anomaly and does not represent the real Dan. I believe we should all accept who we are, but I am very certain that I am not a fat guy. I don’t want to be remembered that way. I want to be remembered as the guy who really loves running; loves to eat healthily, loves to live life and wants to drop to the floor and play with my kids and not worry about whether I can get back up.
My fear is that I will be forgotten. One of my favorite songs is an Italian love song called, Non Ti Scordar Di Me. Which translates to “Do not forget me.” Perhaps this is why I blog? Maybe this is why we have children.
Please do not forget me.
What are your biggest fears? You are allowed to say spiders, sharks and whatever you want.
I really appreciate you for taking the time to read my post.