What Holds Me Back From Writing?

What holds me back from writing is the knowledge, stuck firmly in my head, that I could never be the best at it. No matter how much I like to write, no matter how intense the story burns itself into my mind’s eye, I am still never going to be the best writer. I have never read another author and said to myself “I could have done this. I could write better than this.” I wouldn’t be so arrogant. Instead, I am left with severe self doubt and that perhaps I am a pretender or even a fraud. Not only to those around me, but a fraud especially to myself. Sincere question: If you cannot be a Hemingway, Joyce, Fitzgerald or a Shakespeare then why write at all? I sincerely have no expectations that I could ever be as good. I am just trying to face all my obstacles with courage and stop finding excuses.

I now realize that this has held me back from many of my pursuits. For example, I love the game of chess. I taught my nine year old how to play when he was three and he handily destroys me. I want to play online with adults and I stop myself because I know that I could never be the best at it. I would be embarassed if my opponet “found out” that I wasn’t that good. This is due in part because I would not even want to devote the insane amount of time needed to study chess enought to be mediocre player and I could never aspire to the level of the child “prodigies” (in quotes because I am not even sure there is such a thing).

But how absurd are the last two paragraphs? Am I seriously thinking that I need to be a Hemingway or a Waitzkin in order to find pleasure in these endeavors? Of course not but this is in fact what holds me back from so many things in life. From writing to chess to video games to playing an instrument to science to marathon running to cooking to whatever, I have, probably unconsciously, told myself that since I cannot be the best I should perhaps I should just not even start.

This is not to say I am a perfectionist. Far from it. I know perfectly well how much of a waste of time most struggles for perfection can be. Nor do I really believe that people cannot find enjoyment in these things without being on a quest for perfection. Clearly there can be one “best” at anything. I am simply realizing for the first time in my life that perhaps I have been holding myself back.

Thanks to BoTR (Both of My Readers) for listening!

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