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Archive for August, 2006

My Quote of the Day…

Posted by danleone on August 13th, 2006

My Atheism is way better than anything you can imagine.

Comedy Central

Posted by danleone on August 13th, 2006

What day did the Comedy Central station become the freaking Red Neck station? How many Blue Collar Comedy Tours can they throw into a 24 hour period?! I don’t even mind Jeff Foxworthy or Ron White; I have been known to laugh at their jokes every once in a while. I even own a Ron White CD! But why in the name of all that is holy do the people of Comedy Central think that putting back to back to back Blue Ribbon Comedy Tours is a good idea?

Mr Viola (repost from danleone.com)

Posted by danleone on August 9th, 2006
Mr Viola was not your typical Spanish teacher. He had this funny way of walking, possibly caused by his pants being pulled up into his armpits. I guess you could say he walked like a duck or a penguin. He was always playing disco music in the class during a lesson. We never understood why. Whenever the class got out of control, he would turn his head, look at us and tug his earlobe, and say “escuche” in that exaggerated Spanish spoken only in a Spanish class.As a naive sixth grader, I did not know the meaning of the terms gay, queer, homosexual or fag. These are what the more worldly seventh and eighth graders in the school called him behind his back. The less worldly amongst us called him a nice guy.

In addition to his responsibilities as the verb conjugation specialist. Mr Viola was also the chaperone slash organizer of all of the school’s class trips to Washington DC. I have never been on one of these trips, overprotective Italians parents and all. But they certainly were much anticipated events by the rest of the school.

Awkward transisiton forward to the second part of this story while working as an EMT in Boston some 20 years later. I refer to these years as my Guts and Glory days. Being an EMT has always provided me with an arsenal of gruesome stories of blood and trauma that made my friend’s jobs sound mundane. Though those who were closest to me usually just rolled their eyes at my melodrama.

But at the end of the day, it was not images of body parts that I took home with me. Trauma was part of the job. The one thing that could never leave my brain was the suffering. The ever pervasive knowledge that humans experience profound suffering seeped into my skin more than the smell of exposed viscera. I never knew how to deal with it.

We got the call as “respiratory distress.” For a basic EMT, there is not a lot that we could do. The rule was “O2 and screw.” Put the patient on high-flow oxygen, grab some half-assed vitals, listen for breath sounds and drive really fast.

We arrived on scene to be greeted by an elderly couple on the porch. The look of panic in their eyes told me we had the right house. We were escorted in and tried to squeeze our way down the hall with the usual accoutrements of stretcher, jump bag, defibrillator and o2 tank. We entered the room and the unforgettable smell of a bed-ridden patient hit me for only a second. I have long since learned to breathe through my mouth so as to not excite my easily triggered gag reflex.

As I was “teching” the call, it was my partner’s responsibility to gather information from the couple. I could overhear the usual conversation about patient age, meds, allergies, onset of condition etc. The mom was crying. Crying because she is both sad and exhausted. I could tell this wasn’t the first time this patient had been rushed to the hospital. I wish I could console her. But really my focus was on a hollowed out figure struggling for each of his 30 shallow breaths per minute. His eyes were filled with a primal fear. He did not acknowledge our presence because dying distracts you. I heard my partner repeat back to the parents ,”HIV/AIDS”, “Pneumonia.” I called my partner to help me because history details are far less important at this point. My partner grabbed the patient by the legs and I reached under the patient’s arms, grabbed each hand across his chest so he wouldn’t hurt himself if he flails about. “On my count” , I said. “One, Two Three.”

The next 3 seconds took forever. As I lifted the patient, I looked on the wall and saw a photograph. On it, was an image of school children lined up on the steps of the United States Capital. The adult in the photo looked like the Mr Viola I knew from 1976. I nearly stumbled with my patient. That was him!

On the ambulance, I read the report that my partner started to fill out. Name, Robert Viola. It was now confirmed. I felt my heart beat faster as I scrambled through years of memories trying to connect the images in my head with the person I was looking at. I saw no resemblance. Twenty years and a terminal illness can change someone’s appearance. But the left side of my brain knew for sure.

On the short ride to the hospital I stared through the condensation-soaked mask at a man dying. I barely remembered Mr Viola, but I found myself with tears in my eyes. Tears not because he was dying; dying takes but a few frames in a movie; but because I couldn’t stop thinking about his parents. I thought about how innocent life was when their little Robert was growing up. How proud they must have been at his teaching career. I thought about how life can seem so cruel as to allow you to smile and laugh when your fate is so unsure. I thought about how the parents have not been able to find the peace that the elderly so justly deserve. For an EMT, tears don’t usually come until after the adrenaline has made its way out of the body but I couldn’t stop. I held his hand in mine until we arrived.It was obvious that his body was resigned to its fate. I have always tried to console myself by hanging on to the belief that the brain gives out before the body does. Mt Viola did not know what was happening to him.

When the ambulance doors swung open, it was back to business. For the sake of keeping up appearances, an EMT never moves faster than he has to and absolutely never as fast as on TV. Remaining cool is part of the game. I gave a brief report to the triage nurse, transferred him to a hospital stretcher and left to fill out my paperwork.

I do not know if he died that day or the next or, honestly, ever. I never wanted to know how anyone is doing when the call is over. But to this day, I wish that I could see that picture again. I wish I could pick out my classmates and I especially wish I could see Mr Viola tugging his earlobe, “escuche clase.”

Letter to a Dead Guy (Repost from danleone.com)

Posted by danleone on August 8th, 2006

Dear John Doe:

It has been 10 years since I saw you lying under that bridge in South Boston but the image has never left me. We found your stiff body, almost peacefully resigned to its fate lying frozen under a welcome mat; a feeble, and ulitmately futile attempt at keeping warm. Your Stop and Shop carriage was filled with bags of cans and botles and a dirty laceless pair of ladies sneakers were placed in the part of the carriage a child would sit in. the heels were crushed like a pair of bathroom slippers. The biggest surprise came when we saw the Greatest Hits of Barry Manilow album at the bottom under the bags. We all laughed while wondering what that was for. I apologize for laughing but that is just what rescue people are supposed do when faced with death and suffering. It was nothing against you. It was a way for us to distance ourselves from that which we see every single day. We all pretend to be tough guys, but I don’t mind telling you that I shed a few tears in my life.

The dead giveaway was the empty bottle of Listerine lying next to you. My partner, who was in recovering alcoholic himself, says that when you are a prisoner to alcohol, you get it anyway you can. From toothpaste to cough syrup to vanilla extract. I guess they don’t teach you that in EMT school.

Did that bottle make the pain of freezing to death go away? Was living so bad that death was so good? Or did that bottle make you so stupid drunk that you didn’t even know you were dying?

Despite the flashing blue and red and orange lights dancing and painting the walls, no one on the bridge above us even slowed down to see what was happening. This is the city after all. If no one stopped in your death, I wonder if anyone stopped when you were alive. Did anyone care? Did you ever care for anyone else? Tell me what brings a person to the point where they find refuge in the muddy crotch of a bridge where the scent of rodent feces blends with the stench of skin unbathed. Tell me where you were in your mind that a quart of mouthwash tastes better than a warm cup of coffee.

You and I have more in common than you realize. Both of us were once innocent boys. I bet you close to my age. Neither of us knew what direction the wave of life would take us. But we rode it anyway, and somehow we ended with me in a brown polyester uniform looking down upon you, a frozen man unable to ride the wave any longer.

A million questions and the only one that matters most to me is, just how small is the distance between the path your life took and the path any one of us are taking? How far am I from you, Mr John Doe?

A Barry By Any Other Name (repost from danleone.com)

Posted by danleone on August 7th, 2006

OK, if Larry is short for Lawrence and Harry is short for Harold, then why isn’t Barry short for Bawrence or Barold?

I’m A Hypocrit…and You?

Posted by danleone on August 7th, 2006

I call myself a runner and yet I can only run 2 miles without wheezing. I call myself a vegetarian though I eat meat. I call myself an atheist though I question the morality of abortion. I call myself a bleeding-heart liberal though I think all politicans are whores by definition. I call myself a rationalist though most decisions are made with my heart. I call myself a writer and am afraid to sit down to write a word. I call myself smart because I know how stupid I am. I call myself a parent though I am usually a child. I hate the overuse of the pronoun “I” in blogs and every sentence in this post begins with it.

Question to anyone reading: Do you live the life you have painted in your head?

…and How Was Your Night?

Posted by danleone on August 7th, 2006
(My apologies to Megan. It was simply a cut-and-paste)

Preface:

In my back yard, there is a small wooded area. There is a treehouse back there (though not officially attached to any tree). The treehouse has a few stairs to climb, then a door and on the other side, a slide for my brood to use to entertain themselves for a solid 15 seconds per week. Close to the treehouse, is a hammock that I strung between two trees in order to entertain myself for the entire 15 seconds that my spawn are using the slide.

The cell phone I use never had reception in the house (because apparently it was once a lead-lined bunker).

I needed to make an important phone call late at night.

Story:

I was lying in the hammock around midnight one night staring at the two stars I can see in the city. I was on the phone. A few minutes into the call, I looked up and sharing the hammock with me was a raccoon as big as a Buick. I didn’t want to appear like a girly man on the phone call, so I didn’t say a word as I calmly stood to leave a warm spot and a giant ‘assdentation’ for the racoon to rest. I then noticed that my path leading back to my house, was blocked by the mamma ‘coon and her two babies. So, remaining very calm, I climbed into my son’s treehouse and shut the door behind me. At no point did I even pause in my conversation.

Now I am in my son’s treehouse when I heard the pappa ‘coon climb the steps to the door, so I put my entire body weight against the door while pappa scratched away at it for a few minutes. I could hear the kids playing at the bottom of the slide; screeching in utter delight as pappa cornered his prey. Did I mention that I am on the phone? I am trying to act all cool but my voice was beginning to expose that I am a raccoonophobe. Did I mention it was dark?

Approximately 10 minutes of pappa scratching on the door with little success, he decided to try an alternate route…the slide. Pappa kicked the children off the slide who were beginning to get bored that their dinner was not going to succumb without a fight. Pappa, not having studied physics, did not take into account the coefficient of friction between the plastic slide and fur. He kept coming up and then sliding back down, each time a tad more frustrated.

My pending demise fortified me and I began an ancient Native American animal-spirit-exorcism song, which, only coincidentally, sounded like a twelve year old girl screaming. Did I mention that raccoons are deaf?

Another 10 minutes of the raccoon walking up the slide about 2 feet and then sliding off at terminal velocity (funny in retrospect) coupled with my yelping, made for an interesting phone conversation. Did I mention it was an important call?

The babies were losing faith in their father as mamma scolded them for laughing at him. At some point it was obvious that the family was huddled together under the treehouse discussing their next moves. I think I heard pappa say “OK, you dress up as a lion and he will pass out from fear. Then we will eat like kings.”

While they were under me, I decided to make my great escape. I had it all planned out. I inched my way over to the slide, cellphone still in hand and at just the right moment, I launched myself down the slide. Approximately six inches into my escape, my rump became wedged in the slide and I was barred from forward progress. I stood up, ran down the slide and ran to the house. From the comforts of my porch, I could see the four pairs of glow-in-the-dark eyes looking at me saying “what a loser.”

Did I mention I live in the city?

10 Things You Don’t Know and Don’t Care About Me

Posted by danleone on August 7th, 2006

1. I am an atheist. God simply does not exist. Any argument that doesn’t address “first cause” is not an argument. No books, no “authorities” in the name of pastors, ministers, priests etc, no mythological stories and no quasi-historical figures can be factored into the equation. BUT, believe it or not, I am not an angry atheist. I was never touched by a priest. God was not the cause of 9-11 and he is not the solution. I have to, and do, accept that others believe differently. In fact many of these people are those that I love and respect dearly. But, in my little head, the sentence “I believe in god” is exactly equivalent to “I believe in giant purple bunnies living in my butt.” Hard for me to wrap my head around it. I am not trying to be arrogant or smug; simply stating some relevant and not interesting stuff about me. My opinion until I change it.

2. I cannot tolerate superstitions (reduntant, as I don’t see much difference between 1 and 2. From the ubiquitous “god bless you” when someone sneezes to baseball players wearing the same socks for “good luck.” I would happily walk under a ladder with an open umbrella while breaking thirteen mirrors, stepping on a sidewalk crack and watching a black cat prance by me in order to prove it to you.

3. There is very little room in my world for people who believe in the supernatural. There is no astrology, no psychic ability, no afterlife, no soul, no aliens visiting from outer space, no John Edwards and his ilk, no palmistry, numerology, tarot and no telekinesis. There is no such thing as good or bad luck or fate. The problem is that I lose a bit of respect for people that do believe in that junk.

4. Despite all the above, this will be the first time I admit that I cried when I walked into the Vatican about 8 years ago. I am still stunned by the majesty of it all. I was transfixed by the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and my favorite work of art is Mozart’s Requiem. All beautiful expressions of HUMAN creativity and NOT divine inspiration.

5. If, huge if, I were smarter and 20 years old, I would be studying astronomy or mathematics.

6. Much less dramatic: I hate balloons. I think I fear them. I hate when the kids have a birthday party and I need to blow them up. I cringe at the mere thought of the sound and fear the snapping rubber hitting my face when it explodes. My kids hate it because my balloons are wimpy 6 inches in diameter.

7. I NEVER EVER read the fortune in a fortune cookie. No good reason other than it is pointless. Interestingly, there are many other “pointless” things I do in life, so I am not sure why the need to make a statement with fortune cookies.

8. I am a bleeding heart Liberal and am still stunned that people voted for, and still defend, George Bush.

9. I pay attention to sports just barely enough to allow me a chance at a resaonable conversation.

10. I used to be a raw food vegan and when I was, I never felt better physically. I ran 4 of my 5 marathons as a vegan and never had so much energy. I even miss it. BUT, I am a million miles and 50 pounds away from those days. Food is an addiction, just as cigarette smoking is.

and one more for good luck:

11. I can’t stand practial jokes. I don’t care if they happen to me, but I hate setting people up or watching people get set up. I do not watch Candid Camera, Punk’d, or that show where people try to get themselves fired. In fact, this has been to my detriment because it also means that I hate giving surprise parties. It is not that a joke is bad in and of itself or mean-spirited, it is I hate seeing people in a state if unknowing while the rest of the world does know. I really do not know the psychology of it all but I bet it could be interesting.

Quote of the Day

Posted by danleone on August 5th, 2006

My 5 year old son, Marc came into the room today crying unconsolably. After finally calming down, he revealed what made him so upset:

“My squishy pillow is so squishy that it is not so squishy anymore and that makes me sad.”